


Chasing The Sun

by Welcome_in_my_World



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arkham Asylum, Blood, Death, Depression, Eventual Romance, F/M, Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Getting to Know Each Other, Gotham City - Freeform, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Joker (DCU) Has Issues, Joker (DCU) Played by Heath Ledger, Killing, Knifeplay, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Slow Burn, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Work In Progress, Young Joker (DCU)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26130781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welcome_in_my_World/pseuds/Welcome_in_my_World
Summary: Judith Finley is chasing her dreams. She has always been chasing. she achieved her goals, and life became just too confusing and difficult. When she starts working in the Arkham asylum, the house of the insane and the madness, she recognizes her patient's old friend. The memories reach her closed mind to revive a forgotten feeling, to complicate life and make a choice between evil and even greater evil.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Original Female Character(s), Joker/Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Lost Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm so glad you are here! Well, I want to give you some useful information that may help you understand my story better! This is my next story, but my first in the Joker fandom. To explain, the title is supposed to refer to my idea of hope, warmth and good that the sun can be. Our Judith is trying to catch the sun because she cannot find herself in the world she is in. The story is happening in year 2008. As for the character, Judith Finley, I did not think much about her appearance or something, but I imagine her as a smart, delicate dreamer who wants to see the world better, but also a resolute, mrs. psychologist, perfectly at ease in people's minds. As for the looks, as mentioned in the chapter, I think of her as a woman with brown hair and blue eyes, a bit like me xd as for the Joker, I will take the look from the great Heath Ledger's Joker, as for the character, it is a mixture of Joker from dark knight and my own. I plans to write the story alternately describing the present events and Judith's memories from earlier years. So far that's it! I sincerely hope you will stay here longer and that you will like what I do! Enjoy!

Judith Finley was always chasing her dreams. She wanted to travel, she wanted to see the world from many perspectives. She wanted to know, learn and feel. Judith saw perfectly well where her dreams had led her. Her never fulfilled dreams led her straight to a small, skinny flat shared with an overly enthusiastic newly met roommate Emma, located in a forgotten corner of the most dangerous neighborhood Bowery in the most dangerous city on earth, a city so corrupt and ravaged by crime - the city of Gotham. However, this was not always the case.

* * *

_Sunny day. One of the few in this place. In fall, it is usually cool here, and it rains at least once a day. The normally rain-soaked grass covering the hill just below the great mountain now glistens with the warm sun surrounding the landscape. It's hard to see even a single cloud in the sky. Such days are rare in this place. The silence is broken by the loud laugh of a child as she runs down the green hill towards a barely visible little village. The beautiful, brown-haired girl is faithfully followed by a border collie in a white and brown coat. Little Judith laughs louder as her dog friend chases her away with ease, almost knocking her over. It was one of the few days when the girl could wear a summer skirt, one of those her father had sent her. The long, dark blue skirt perfectly accentuated Judith's blue eyes. The landscape had changed slightly, now the girl was surrounded by more trees and less colorful flowers. Fragile wooden buildings began to appear before her, some of them very old looking, others of steel workers nailing new nails holding fresh boards together. You could see in them larger family houses as well as smaller stables, where on cold days animals hid from the cold. Still others looked like much more modern and neat dark wood houses. In front of such little Judith stopped her run and walked in with a row, followed by Border Collie Silva (which in Latin meant forest). Silly, because that was what little Judith used to call her, loved to run in the woods, but her name was invented by Jasmine, judith's mother, who knows Latin well. She were trying to get some food In the woods, when she found a small puppy with her dead siblings. Silva was the strongest, she was brave and fierce, that's why she survived._

_"I'm back, mommy!" Judith shouted in a childish voice while still in the door. With an inquisitive look, she quickly found her mother, a beautiful curly blonde and beautiful blue eyes, as blue as her daughter._   
_The little girl, in lightning speed, lunged in front of Jasmine, eyes twinkling and a broad smile, pulling a carefully folded bouquet of flowers gathered in the clearing from behind her back. They were all red colored because she knew her mother loves red._

_"Happy birthday, mommy!" woman smiled brightly at the sight of her daughter's efforts. All worries vanished from her face in an instant._   
_"Thank you, Judy!" She loved calling her only little daughter that, as opposed to the brown-haired, who instantly turned a puff._   
_,,they are beautiful. Tell me what have you been doing today? "_   
_Judith was instantly in good spirits again when she sensed an opportunity to show off her amazing new discoveries._   
_,,we were chasing the sun today, becouse a sun decided to show up finally! I know I'll never catch it, but I'll try! And I tried to catch a butterfly today. It was beautiful, but it escaped me. Silly found a little sparrow in the river that needed our help. And I saw a rainbow! Silly wanted to catch it, but I told her it was impossible! "It was amazing how such a small soul could radiate so much joy, entity, smartness, self-confidence and perseverance. She never wanted to give up. Little Judith has always been an adventurer._   
_"You're really a dreamer, Judy!" Jasmine laughed. Judith hadn't thought about it then, but it was true happiness. It was all that a human needed to live fulfilled, to live in the moment and not to think about what would be. what was It was life._

* * *

"is that you?" Emma's uncertain voice brought the adult version of Judith back to reality.  
" are you expecting someone else?" It was not her day. Too many new emotions and stress brought back memories. Beautiful memories, but those she tried so hard to bury deeply and never show. She used to be different. everything was different. Today Judith knows that contemplating the past doesn't get anywhere.  
“I expect everything in this damn city.” She smiled involuntarily at her roommate's annoyed voice. Despite her enthusiasm for life, if possible, she hated the city more than Judith.

Once she wanted to catch up with the sun, now she hides from it. She is running away from the light, from the hope that has been absent for a long time. There is no hope it will get better. There is no better tomorrow, there is only a new day like all the others.  
"did you hear today's news? They caught the Joker. They put him in Arkham Asylum, he won't get out of there. "Poor Emma, she doesn't realize how wrong she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know this chapter was quite short, but take it as an epilogue. I am sorry that the Joker may be missing in the first few chapters, but if I want to describe the story of young Jack Napier who turns into a clown prince of crime, I must first let you know our main character;) ps: if you are here, please write me what you think about it ! I will try to update as soon as possible :) and I'm sorry for my bad english, but it is not my original language😅


	2. About Monsters in You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people! 😊sorry you had to wait a bit, this is the second chapter, a bit longer than the previous one. i hope you enjoy it! in organizational matters - some useful information from me. first, it writes of course in the 3rd person. our main character is Judith Finley, but that doesn't mean I won't follow and describe the fate of other characters, as you can read about the joker here at the end. second. separated by lines and written in italics will be memories, which will be quite a lot in my story. from now on, the thoughts of the characters (mainly judith) will be marked in bold, and the dialogues will remain in quotation marks. (,,"). In bold and the same time italics I'll mark accented sequences, especially in Joker's sentences. that's it, I hope you like it!♥️

Judith Finley has always been meticulous, thorough and emotional. However, her character will also include features that she acquired when entering the adult world. Along with leaving the dreamy and colorful world seen through the eyes of a child, to the gray world of busy, overworked and tired people. She tried to fight it, fought it for a long time, but finally had to give up. She had to stop being a child. Everyone goes through this, of course, but not everyone like her has only one biggest dream - to always remain a child. To see the solution, to see hope like a light in a tunnel, even where there is total darkness.

You can say that children are not brave at all. They are afraid of the dark, they are afraid of monsters from under the bed. You may also say that it is pathetic, that it is weak. Adults are not afraid of such things. But Judith has always believed that it's better to be afraid of monsters under your bed, than to know that no monsters exist. Because there comes a moment when each adult dreams that his biggest worry is again an imaginary monster from under the bed, rather than our own monster, hidden in us. Adults, they're not brave at all. Each of us has many worries. When Judith was a child, her worries were nothing. Now she knows that being an adult is a constant struggle to survive another day. It's like hiding alone in a little shelter, protecting us from the evil monsters that are still trying to get inside. Every good thing, a good person in your life or a nice time, every year of success, builds stronger and stronger walls in our shelter. At the same time, you must watch as each failure, misfortune and fear destroy the wall that has been built, and it grows thinner and thinner, until we are finally eaten by our own monsters.

This was the definition of everyone's life she saw. Busy, without hope and energy in this city. If you tried to be normal even for a moment, if you wanted to try to live, you would be laughed at. This city has never been normal, no one has seen any hope for it. Even when Batman showed up, even after hundreds of criminals had gone through jail thanks to Harvey Dent, everyone knew it wouldn't change anything. It won't do anything. Gotham has belonged to criminals forever. And everyone knew that as much as the Gotham Police together with Batman and allies would fight, so much opposition and fight would be made by the villains. This city was impossible to save.

It was another autumn and rainy evening when Emma returned home after a long and tiring day. Judith needed her every day. she had a really problem with being alone. About three days after her new roommate Judith had moved in, she got a call from an important executive who said she had gotten a job. Judith never found out what the job was, and Emma changed the subject quickly with each attempt to find out so she wouldn't have to answer A awkward questions. Judith never asked. Of course, she did not suspect her friend of doing something illegal, but she knew that in an act of desperation, a man of any work would catch himself. The act of desperation for both women was to try and pay the rent for this ugly apartment on a regular basis.

**Until now, I wonder what the moron said that this apartment is worth so much.**

From the very entrance it was obvious that this room is not the most beautiful. The old oak plank floor squeaked underfoot with age. The walls were covered with old dirty wallpaper with red flowers. In some places in the corners of the rooms, the glue did not stand the test of time and was flung off the walls with the wallpaper, revealing the old plaster. Thanks to the savings of both girls, it was possible to replace some of the old furniture with new ones. They were cheap and of poor quality, but together they created a cozy environment. The girls had to rely only on themselves from the beginning, both of them were new to this area, no friends or family... a supportive family. However, from the very first moment it turned out that they got along with each other. In addition to a fairly spacious living room, the apartment had a small kitchen and a bathroom built in a similar style, but fortunately both of them were in good condition and did not require renovation. Judith's bedroom stood out from all over the apartment. In her private room, in her little world of her own, chaos and mess were almost always reigning. With saved money and some from selling her own paintings, Judith replaced the old, crackling floor with a new one. The new walls were carefully painted with blue-gray paint. Cozy new furniture in bright colors filled the extra space, and in the corner by the window was a double bed, the only one neatly made. It was in this room that Judith spent the most of her time. Here she sketched and painted pictures, which is why the spacious desk was so messy. There is still so much work to be done ... Judith practically did not enter Emma's room. She recognized her private space. If they wanted to spend time together, from there was the lounge where Judith waited patiently for three hours.

Upon opening the door, a pretty face finally appeared in The Passage, with the Emma's black straight hair cut short in it. The rest of her body followed her, and finally four bags squeezed through the door with difficulty carried by the green-eyed woman.

"What took so long?" Judith said accusingly without revealing her eyes from the TV screen.

"maybe you could help me, would you? ... I brought the food. " The blue eyes immediately moved from the screen to the four bags lying limply on the floor, and then to the red-faced and out of breath Emma who apparently carried those bags to the 3rd floor by herself.

,,now we are talking." Judith helped carry the bags to the kitchen, then, like a hungry animal, began to pull everything out and eat them. After searching three bags, holding two packets of crisps and peanuts, in a fourth bag, Judith found red wine and whiskey and an involuntary smile appeared on her face. She looked significantly at Emma, holding in her hands additional alcohol.

,,come on... It's Saturday, And I think, why not just do a little girl's night, like meandering you?" The brunette's smile only got bigger. After nearly two hours, when the movie was over, and so was the bottle of wine, Judith was about to apologize and go to bed, but it was Emma who spoke first.

"hey, why don't you tell me how you got here, hm?" Judith was tired, exhausted, drunk and wanted to be in bed already, but something told her she would feel better to tell someone the story. to stay where she was, and after a moment's thought she began to tell.

* * *

_There was no sunshine that day in Big Sky, Montana, in Finley's ancestral home. There was also nothing but pouring rain and a dirty, cloudy sky. As before, Judith was running down a high hill, followed by a dog. But Judith was no longer a child. She was a teenager._

_A beautiful, brown-haired and still very young girl. Despite the visible changes in appearance, the beautiful, sincere smile remained the same as it was years ago. The rain did not spare her violet dress, the cloth stuck to her body like her hair, the rain obscured the view. Judith, out of breath, ran to the same door, but when she got in, the house was empty. The surprised brunette stood for another 10 minutes in the middle of the gloomy room. Water trickled from every part of her body, and a second pool was made of Silly._

_Judith knew Mom only went shopping. Where does this anxiety come from?_

_**She left four hours ago**. _

_After all, a small village inhabited by simple people was not far from the city. It could take up to 10 minutes to reach the nearest store. The girl looked out the window, but her eyes did not find Jasmine's little red Ford. Panic grew within her. After 5 minutes of idle waiting, when the rain had raged for good, the wind hit the delicate roof and the trees were killed And from time to time lightning was heard as the sky flared in the distance, Judith began to get seriously worried. She froze when a police officer from a nearby town knocked on her door._

_"Judith Finley?"_

_"Yeah"_

_"I'm so sorry to say that, your mom died in a car accident."_

* * *

"You don't have to say it if you don't want to." Emma finally spoke, noticing alone tear running down Judith's cheek. Her blue, glazed eyes were on the ground.

"I'm fine. "

" so what happened next?" Black-haired girl asked after a moment.

"well ..."

* * *

_"you will live with your father in Gotham." She heard from the officer when she thought it couldn't get any worse._

_,,What? Why? Why can't I stay home? "She asked, although she know an answer. She was underage. Actually, she was about to start her second year in high school in a month, so she had little influence on the court's decision. mother spoke as broken city and unfit to live about Gotham. It's not that she didn't want to live with her father. That wasn't the problem. The problem was with the father, who she didn't know. About him, she knew only from stories and some photos. She was left alone. The moment she found out that Silly was staying in the village, she was unstoppable. She locked herself in the police bathroom and cried, screamed and howled until she was too tired to make the slightest sound from her throat. Just a few people knew then that this nice officer from a small town in Montana, will win the hearts of the Citizens of Gotham in the future as the great Commissioner Jim Gordon. He helped her when she thought her world was over. Poor Gordon, at that time he did not come to the thought that joining the GCPD would not only be gaining fame as the future big city commissioner of criminals, but that it would be his worst decision, which the little ones would regret._

* * *

"I just came here to Gotham, I went to live with my father, I graduated from high school, and now I have moved here, closer to Arkham Asylum, in case they were to hire me ..." Emma's eyes widened gradually in surprise.

"what ?! You're serious, are you gonna work as a psychologist in Arkham ?! " She just started screaming in front of a slightly scared Judith.

"I don't know anything yet", she replied honestly. She always dreamed of this job, she was fascinated by the patients of this hospital. She wanted to work with them, but she did not get too much hope. After another minutes of silence, Judith announced that she was going to sleep, and Emma did the same. Once both were in the warm beds, Emma fell asleep quickly, one of the few things Judith envies her. A good night's sleep, without any intrusive thoughts or worries. Despite the alcohol coursing in my blood and exhaustion, there was no question of close an eye that night. Thoughts still circulated in my head. They circled ever closer to Jasmine. Closer to the moment when young Judith lost her childhood and found herself brutally pushed into the world of adult affairs. Adult worries and sorrows. Her monsters were getting closer, the walls were almost destroyed. The world of the young girl was in ruins. Life didn't matter for her anymore, she lost everything she had. Then she understood. Then she knew that her sadness was completely unnecessary. Her only regret came from the fact that we panically try to stop the course of things and the passing of time. All our lives we try to stop time, overcome death. But then we find out that it is trying to catch wind with hands. That we are striving for something that is impossible. None of us can stop what is to come, we can only come to terms with the loss and love. Death does not end anything, and it certainly does not end our love. This is just another stage, a trial in which we have to face reality. Judith wiped the tears from her cheeks one last time and forced herself to clear mind, until sleep finally caught up with her.

* * *

"we have him" one of the officers whispered over his radio, panting slightly after climbing to the top floor of the building. It was an amazing feeling for each of them, terror gripped the policemen despite their significant advantage. After all, a man some of them were lucky enough to see in his cell, and some only on TV, he was hanging upside down giggling, completely defenseless. Many of them do not even admit that they think of Joker as human. To them, he is just a predatory animal, a dangerous, eccentric monster whose must be disposed of as soon as possible.

One of the policemen, it seems that the oldest and largest, approached the hanging figure. He cut the solid rope with a knife and released the hanging clown, who fell to the ground with a thud, on which his grease paint was reflected.

at the same time, 11 armed policemen lunged at the skinny figure of the Joker, effectively pressing him to the ground. he said nothing as the burly policeman handcuffed him. He didn't fight them either. One might think that after that time, the Prince of crime had finally given up. Everyone knew, however, that the Joker had not given up. He just ended the fight. He won, he won this war when Harvey Dent died, he won when some time later the commissioner gave a speech praising the new DE, hero of Gotham, which was nothing more than a lie. He won when the Batman disappeared from the city for eight years, when the citizens no longer had a protector. He knew he had won.

The two biggest policemen picked up the clown from the ground, who, despite his impressive height, was looking down at the robust officers. His paint was practically gone from the part of his face that was pressed to the floor. The rest of the nine policemen vigilantly guided the Joker with their eyes and gun barrels to the exit of the building. He was walking steadily forward, his head lowered but his eyes were still watching the surroundings carefully. Green curls blocked his view from one side. When they put the Joker into the police car, everyone kept repeating in their head we caught him, he will not run away. Despite being exhausted by the whole action, the policemen were happy as ever.

They were proud and pleased, because despite the awareness of the Joker's victory, many thought it was merely a stupid, dangerous game of a murderer. Despite the victims, there was something that mattered more to them at the time. This psychopath is not gonna hurt anyone else.

To everyone's surprise, the Joker really didn't fight anymore. Even as they introduced him to the Arkham Asylum, he didn't say a word. He walked obediently, taking a careful look from side to side, carefully assessing the surroundings. He looked ... tired. Just happy with the win but tired of how challenging the game was. The armed bodyguards took the patient over and asked if he was really the Joker. He doesn't look like a psychopathic killer.

The truth was that the Joker was much smarter than anyone in this building, enough to know that there was no point in fighting in such a well-guarded place, he had no chance. Half an hour later, his dirty, shabby clothes had been removed, and with each removable layer, purple coat, gray jacket, vest and shirt, security guards found newer knives and other dangerous items. With new prison clothes, the Joker landed in a small cell, secured and secluded, lonely among a ward of high-risk patients. However, Arkham Asylum doctors do not allow even the slightest mistakes and mishaps, so despite objections from patients, for years doctors have been stuffing them with sedatives and tranquilizers to ensure the world that no patient will ever leave this place, there is not even a chance for that. opportunities.

"You're a _**cow-aard**_ , doc. You're just too scaared for your own skin, if someone gets **_o-ut_** of here, don't youu? "

When they injected him with another dose of the drugs, that was the first sentence they finally heard from him. The gm seemed to have hit the nail on the head in one sentence. He turned red and angrily injected a dose of the drug into the Joker's worked veins. He was no fighting, becouse he thought that give up with no fight is just part of the plan. This one just chuckled. It seemed that the doctor, also the deputy director of this center, was not a very intelligent guy, which did not go unnoticed by the tied and neutralized another patient of this madman.

,, I advise you to be careful with your words, **freak**. You should get used to your cramped cell because you will spend the rest of your life there. And you know what? I'll tell you something. If you think anybody from Gotham would care if we treat you right here, you are stupid than I thought. They just want you to disappear. That they would stop being afraid. Many of them will even be happy to hear of your tragic death by suicide, when you can no longer endure the nightmares in your green head, and gone crazy. "

It seemed impossible, but the joker radiated confidence despite the situation. His eyesight was so ghastly, it seemed like he was about to tear the ropes and jump down the doctor's throat. But outside he laughed merrily and just said:

"ooh, let's just _**wa-it**_ , and see who's goin **_cra-zy_** faster, doctor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let you know how long a chapter is more pleasant for you to read, like now, or shorter than in the previous one. I hope you liked it, I will try to write the next chapter as soon as possible: *


	3. Understand the freak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This chapter is not as long as I would like, and for many of you it may be boring, but for me, a person fascinated by the human mind, it is essential. I say right away that I am not an expert. I learn from what I read or watch, or from my own experiences. I hope you will appreciate my intentions. Thinking about such a story, I know that it must focus on the psyche, on the analysis of behavior. This will allow me, you and our main character to better understand Joker. if you really don't like it, you shouldn't read this story, becouse there will be a lot of this stuff in future chapters :P I can't imagine writing a dry story without such important issues as psychological descriptions, you have to forgive me! : *

* * *

There are people in Gotham who have given up hope. They know that both the mafia and all individual resistance movements are not going to give up. There are bad times in this broken city, there are times when neither of them is afraid of Batman anymore. However, for only one person in Gotham, Batman had nothing to threaten.

At this time of year, the evenings at the Arkham Asylum were extremely drab and gray. Once the snow-white walls were dazzling, the paint blended together everything that was in sight. In such conditions, more patients, instead of recovering, went madder than they did. But in the fall, all the rooms in the building took on the same dull gray shade of dirt and old age. This place needed renovation for a long time, but no one was able to finance the renovation of such a huge building.

Moving from the entrance further into the dark building, voices gradually gave way to a penetrating silence. On the higher floor, nothing could be heard except the occasional whispering of security guards. The most dangerous patients were on the top floor. Apparently, the more intelligent someone is, the less unnecessary words he spends. This rule also applies to Arkham Asylum, where it was believed that it was better to speak little but wisely than talk a lot of nonsense. The difference was that Dr. Arkham's method was an effective remedy for verbal manipulation with a triple dose of a sedative, which was deafening for most. Moving between the separate rooms one could finally feel the proper atmosphere of a psychiatric hospital. Patients staring at the wall, standing still in one place or those weaker, less resistant who simply fell asleep for a long time after such a dose.

A strange, high-pitched voice belonging to the most eccentric patient on this floor broke the silence.

"You **think** you're **sa-fe** here, guaard?" 

The Joker did not receive a reply. It seemed that all Clown bodyguards had a strict prohibition on interacting with this patient in their employment contract.

"Doo you **thi-nk,** you can **threat-en** me, hmm?"

The Joker moved as close as possible to the bars, standing a few centimeters from the young, less experienced bodyguard. As if he knew how to enter his mind. As he can enter everyone's mind, how it can manipulate everyone. He was so damn himself, convinced of his power. This was the weak point of the young bodyguard. Fear. He felt like a painter step by step painting in the mind of a frightened young security guard with fear, and this seemed to work. Drops of sweat appeared on the forehead of the young bodyguard, his body began to tremble slightly. Despite the heavy iron bars, ensuring the absolute safety of the man, the Joker was able to come under the security guard's back and practically whisper in his ear. It was enough to stress the poor boy and motivate him to ask for a short break.

The Clown replied with a soft chuckle. It was obvious that in this room with no door handles and virtually no other items except the best-secured mattress and the bedding laid on the ground, the Joker's only pastime was "talking" with the bodyguards. It gave him indescribable satisfaction.

* * *

Meanwhile, a short distance from Arkham, Judith sat with a laptop in her lap, deep in concentration, completely unaware of what was to come.

"do You think I can get the Joker for treatment?"

she turned to Emma on the opposite side, busy with a very interesting book.

“You know… I don't want to push you down, but I think they are looking for someone more experienced for this position, not a 27-year-old gentle woman 3 months after graduation. But you are smart. You are very knowledgeable and they appreciate it. You just have to show what you can do. Impress them. "

"I'll do my best,"

she muttered, and turned to her laptop screen again. Judith didn't understand herself at times. She was a psychologist, had knowledge and abilities, made correct diagnoses and wrote complex personality profiles, but sometimes she had the biggest problem with understanding herself. Sometimes she felt alienated, lost, as if mind and body belonged to two other personalities. One is completely sensible and serious, the other is crazy and unpredictable. Sometimes she wasn't able to recognize herself. This was the case when, for her own pleasure and training, she wrote a detailed description of the Joker's personality. Atdeeds of his actions, his features. It was the first time she saw in him her great fascination and curiosity. His unusualness, eccentricity and complex mind. Here she could answer the question why she is, who she is and where is she? Her fascination with the human mind reached much deeper.

Her passion was reading all those dark murder tales and writing her own descriptions. She thought about human behavior and instincts. Morals and rules that, for some, may not even exist. She thought about the motives, wondering if each crime had its own original one. How does society work when we follow others? Man is a pack creature, so we teach to go where the rest of the herd is. To many people, the Joker was just weird. just a freak. Judith had learned for many years to erase this word from her vocabulary. There are no strange people in this crazy world, there are only people who stand out from the herd. Who stray from the track and take a different path. There are no strange people, there are people who are incomprehensible to others. People who live their own world, have their own values that are not understood by our society. Nobody has been able to correctly recognize the Joker's motives so far, because nobody has tried to understand him, nobody wanted to understand him. Someone once said that criminals aren't complicated. And although she didn't know him personally, she knew that the clown Prince of Crime was the most complicated mind in this complicated world.

The funniest thing about all this misunderstanding is how much the Joker is right. So many people find him weird, but is he weirder than Batman? There is a weak point here. To the community, the whip is a freak, a freak whom they trust and place their hope in, but whoever doesn't know him personally, whoever he is, doesn't even think of him as a human being. It's just a weirdo, disguised as a bat and trying to save this broken world, but if Batman had never appeared, could the Joker even exist? Would anyone hiding under clown makeup be who he is right now, wasting his whole life fighting someone who is almost as twisted as he is?

Batman is a great hero for Gotham. But isn't it that it is only when we need it? Do we not appreciate him only when we are in danger ourselves, and we expect him to be the guardian angel of our city, who, when we need him, puts on a mask and serves this city, and when we no longer need it, does not deserve our memory, to think of it in a human way? However, the world belongs to strange people. They are freaks capable of things we don't understand, but meaningful to them, and they are successful. We cannot comprehend or understand them, but as long as they do something good for us, as long as they work in our favor, they inspire respect and admiration. When someone is the same weirdo but murders and steals, we only feel fear and repulsion, even if they do the same very twisted things as the good ones.

The next point is our faith. What do we believe in? It turns out that you only need to believe in yourself. Believe in your success, believe in your ideas and abilities. Probably many mafia criminals would like to be completely normal in the face of Batman. One would like not to stand out, to keep the appearance of normality and innocence. The Joker is different. He comes into play as a star, as a winner. Always one step ahead of everyone. Eccentric, incomprehensible. Crazy and standing out from the crowd. Distinguishing in its category, one of a kind. Dressed in flashy colors, facing the dark black Batman. This is contempt for normality. Contrast with dark, gray, and messy Gotham with Batman at the helm. The Joker just walks in and makes the biggest mafia criminals realize that they are merely hostages to their own fear. He proves to everyone how easy it is to enter someone's mind. How easy it is to manipulate and show that everyone is dependent only on himself, on his limit and code. From your fear. It preys on their fear because it knows that this is everyone's weak point. He knows how to provoke, he knows how to influence the subconscious. Always one step ahead, always prepared. Unpredictable, intelligent.

He gives the appearance of choice. He proves daily how simple and pathetic the human mind is, how easy it is to take control over it. By letting people choose whether to blow up a ship full of prisoners who have already lost their chance for a dignified life, or a ship full of innocent civilians, it proves again that this social experiment is making us monsters. He makes us mindless machines in the arms of fear. It gives an apparent choice, but knows exactly how it will end. He is prepared. Prepared for anything, foresight. He does not plan, but expects the consequences, he knows exactly how to play this war. And he knows one very important thing. If Batman finally kills him, he will win the fight. But The Joker will win the war.

"You impressed me”

said Emma after reading the analysis that blue-eyed had writing furiously for several hours.

“For me, you have this job. You just need to remember one thing. They will surely be impressed by a thorough analysis of personality, motive, attempts to understand, but they only employ you to extract dry information, for makeshift treatment, but they really want to poison him with drugs and get him out of their hospital. It is like that everywhere. Trust me, I know something about it."

She didn't ask, and Emma didn't look like she wanted to talk about it.

At midnight, both women went to bed. Judith knew it would be impossible to fall asleep with such a multitude of thoughts, so she turned her well-guarded mind into the hands of her memories.

* * *

_The road from Montana to Gotham was long and exhausting. Sixteen-year-old Judith was not happy to see her father this time. All she wanted was to go to sleep. Fall asleep, hoping for a better tomorrow. **Who was I kidding?** There was no more hope. Nor was she the type of person who wanted to commit suicide after something like that. She believed that suicide was just a cowardly escape from problems. Over time, she learned that she was not and never would be a coward. That she will always cope with problems, face problems, come out of any situation, because there are nothing insurmountable. So she thought before being forced to test her courage and confidence. When she just felt lost, when she just didn't know what would be next. She was scared. She was afraid of the future, what would be now, how much her life would change. Irretrievable. There is no escaping it, no going back. It is a road where the earth collapses with every step, a road from which there is no turning back, no escape. _

_All you can_ _do is keep moving forward accepting whatever you find along the way. Or just curl up, stay and wait for the ground below you to collapse until you haven't to keep walking._

_The first days in the new home were nervous and quiet. Judith hardly knew her father. He, Robert Judith, a serious entrepreneur, head of a large company and a respected man among the inhabitants. He looked like the typical serious man Judith hated. Short, brown hair, chocolate eyes, an elegantly trimmed beard, a slim figure, almost always wrapped in an elegant suit. Despite his age, he looked younger. He always smiled broadly and was positive towards everyone. used to loneliness, he did not know how to deal with a teenager after losing his mother. He got her without a **manual**. He suffered from the loss of his beloved wife. He was unable to pull himself together, and in addition, such a responsibility fell on him, which he had avoided all his life. Concerned only about his own interests, he did not think that what he was trying to get away from would eventually catch up with him. On the third day, Judith spoke to her father for the first time. _

_“It's already October, Dad. Are you going to herd me to **school?** " _

_Mr. Finley was surprised by her question. This was not how he imagined his teenage child. Only 3 days have passed since the funeral. A new house, a new place to live. Different climate, different city and people. Meanwhile, his daughter worries about her lack of education. Incredible._

_“Well… there's one decent high school in Gotham… it's the safest part of the city. I can sign you up for next year, if you want, you'll be ready ... "_

_“_ _Sign me up there today. So that tomorrow I can go to the new school."_

_Mr. Finely stared at her in incomprehension. According to him at the time, his daughter was just weird. He couldn't understand her._

_"Judith, maybe you wait a while before you study, your mom died ... you're in a new place, probably a little lost, you're sure ..."_

_"you do not understand. I have to do something, I can't think too long about… all of this! So fucking shut up and sign me up for school "_

_she knew that she shouldn't say that. her Father didn't enything wrong. but she was just so fucking frustrated becouse all of this. Now Robert's surprise reached his jaw as it dropped down. His daughter was a real weirdo, even she knew it then. She was torn by emotions, torn and kept her awake. Nightmares appeared as soon as she closed her eyes. But despite this, she knew what she wanted, she knew that she had to deal with something new. Meet new people, learn new things, she saw the rescue back then. After all, most people would like to shut themselves up within their own four walls and stay there until everything works out. But Judith couldn't do it, couldn't trust herself. She doesn't know what could have happened if she did. She just needed to distract her mind from the nightmares. From the monsters who had eaten her alive for three whole days. _

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it (probably) to the end, I hope you enjoy my amateur descriptions and instead of boring yourself to death you will understand my the joker and Judith better. As usual, I am asking for opinions in the comments (maybe someone will write something):D and please forgive me strange writing Joker's sentences, but it is actually how I imagine his strange voice with accented some words. tell m, if you don't like it very much :> and sorry for my bad English:P


	4. First time I met you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry to keep you waiting a bit. This chapter will primarily include Judith's recollection of her first day at school. I hope you will like it! <3

* * *

> _The weather that hung over Gotham on Judith's first day in new school perfectly reflected her own mood. Heavy, dark clouds threatened to fall and pour rain, the wind carried trees and light objects from the street. This was more or less how judith imagined what was going on in her mind. She acted under emotions and an uncontrolled impulse, now she was not entirely convinced of the rightness of her decision. Fear seized her. Within a few hours, she lost not only what she loved, but most of all what she knew and trusted completely. She was afraid of the unknown. She entered uncharted waters with no rescue, she did not know what to expect._
> 
> _Mr. Finley drove his daughter to the very front door of Gotham High School so that at least she could get to the school in one piece. Has anyone ever talked about a dramatic shooting at an American school? In this broken city, Judith thought, such "accidents" were commonplace. The school building was not luxurious, but it was well-kept. It looked brand new, maybe a few years ago. A beige color covered the high walls. A stone path led from the parking lot to the door. The whole area, however, has not seen any greenery for a long time. It did not escape the attention of the girl who, living in the green and wild land of Montana, expected a rather green landscape of the school. These were the ideas, after all, the school was supposed to attract, not repel. Thanks to this, the school, instead of a cozy and safe building, gained the opposite effect. Like a lonely building among rubbish from all over town, a dump. **Dingy place.**_
> 
> _For a moment, you could find yourself wondering if this place was livable. The answer came when the school bell rang and the school spilled out groups of students walking out onto the grounds, enjoying the fresh air until the rain had poured down. Despite the apparent lack of green plant space, there were wide desks around the school and a small grassy area where a lot of students sat down._
> 
> _Judith stumbled into the building, assessing the surroundings. Inside, immediately after entering, she found stairs and on both sides there were changing rooms, in which Judith had left her spring jacket. Coming up the stairs, the first floor appeared. On the right was a door leading to the secretarial and concierge desk. All the walls were covered with the same light paint as the outer walls of the school. Some of them had large cork boards with posters, cheerful slogans calling for learning and discovering the world, and other_ crap _. Deeper down the hall were classrooms numbered 1-19. Judith checked on her own lesson plan that she hated maths first lesson and hurried to the last, third floor, class 37. Second and third floors, not much in fact differed from the first, only there were more rooms and a toilet instead of a concierge and secretariat. As it turned out, apart from 3 floors, the school also hid a basement leading to the school's shop, gym and fitness room._
> 
>   
>  _"excuse, are you from second grade?" she asked, summoning up her courage and walking up to a group of merry teenagers. There was a brief moment of silence, which was broken by a broadly smiling girl._
> 
> _,,Yes. You're new here, aren't you? If you want, I can show you around the school."_
> 
> _The rest of the class reverted to earlier conversations when the girl approached the frightened Judith, her hand outstretched. She had fiery red straight hair and green eyes. **She was beautiful.** Judith felt a twinge in her heart at the thought. she had always struggled with low self-esteem and now she was standing in front of her probably the most beautiful woman she had ever seen and as if nothing had happened, reaching out to her._  
>  _After a moment, Judith came to her senses and shook her awkward hand at her new friend._
> 
> _'' I'm Vera. Veronica Anderson."_
> 
> _She said in an equally cheerful and friendly tone as before._  
>  _Judith for some reason knew Vera was trustworthy, she hoped they would become friends._
> 
> _"Judith Finley," she replied with a sincere smile._
> 
> _In math, both girls sat in the same desk, which gave Judith a real boost of confidence and hope. Loneliness was her biggest fear about the new school. She was just afraid that she would be left alone, that no one would ever like or accept her. Veronica had a good heart. Instead of making fun of or ignoring the brunette, she just took care of her, showed her support and encouraged her._
> 
> _“My dear, as far as I know, a new student joined us today. Judith, why don't you tell us something about yourself? "_
> 
> _at the beginning of the lesson, she was approached by Mr. Johnson, the math teacher._
> 
> _**Oh no. shitshitshitshitshit.** _
> 
> _This is exactly what she feared from the beginning u. This is the moment when her shy and anti-social side takes almost total control._
> 
> _Through the haze she could see Mr. Johnson smiling as he waited for her speech. The man was older, but he didn't seem tired of life. He wore horn-rimmed glasses, was bald, and had fine gray beard. Dressed in an elegant suit, he gave the impression of a serious and balanced person._  
>  _After a little cheering from Vera, shivering, she got up from her chair and began to speak._
> 
> _"so ... so I came from Montana to Gotham four days ago because ... beca-use my mother... di-ed suddenly, so I had to live in Gotham with my father."_
> 
> _She hadn't planned to say it. She hadn't planned many things in her life, but she certainly hadn't planned that in the middle of a sentence her voice would break and her eyes would fill with tears. She had no plans to talk about it publicly, to her class. She wasn't looking for attention, quite the opposite. Currently, she would only like to collapse into the ground and never get out of it._
> 
> _The eyes of everyone in the class were on her, including the teacher's dark eyeballs. Judith sat down, barely hearing the repentance and regret of Mr. Johnson. What the hell was she thinking? Now, probably everyone in the class thinks that he is an attentive kid who has to make a sacrifice in the first day. But that's what she was. Victim. A victim of fate. **a victim of myself.**_
> 
> _The rest of the lesson she kept quiet._
> 
> _During the break, Veronica showed her the rest of the school. It showed a nicely decorated, large library and a canteen in which students spent long lunch breaks. She advised who in her new class was worth associating with and whom better to avoid. She told about the teachers, as it turned out they were all quite okay. Judith's day ended much better than it began._
> 
> _Almost two months had passed since Judith's first day of school. Everything was going very well, thanks to a lot of study Judith didn't have to spend hours thinking which only made her depressed. There was no time for that now. She studied well, got the best grades in biology. Her mother was a local doctor, which was of great benefit to the villagers. For people who spent their days hunting and working outside, with the slightest cut, an hour's drive to the nearest hospital would be a waste of time, so Jasmine had her hands full every day. Sometimes when fatigue took its toll, it was late in the day, or simply Mrs. Finley was busy, Judith would help out with basic and simple dressings and treatment. Every day, in addition to the theoretical knowledge acquired from her mother and from books, Judith closely watched her mother, thanks to which now, at the age of sixteen, she had a really great knowledge of the human body and medicine._
> 
> _She spent each break on the school grounds together with Vera. She read books or just talked with girls about boys, talked about other girls and talked about nothing important. Judith was incredibly proud of herself. From the beginning of her stay in Gotham, she tried to normalize, she wanted people to treat her like everyone else, and to make her feel like that, she didn't want to be an outcast. Now she feels that everything is finally alright. She has friends, her father is full of money, so she can afford a lot. He studies well. She doesn't go out very often for safety reasons, but she has already managed to get to know the city a bit. Even though it has a bad reputation, she liked it here. Most at night. Gotham at night was incredibly dangerous, but it was beautiful. In a way, it resembled a great stone jungle in which everyone fights for survival, walking over the corpses to the goal. However, watching this city from the seemingly safe window of the apartment, you could fully admire and appreciate it. Judith sometimes wondered if there was something dramatic going on somewhere a few blocks away, would they be writing in the newspapers tomorrow about Batman saving innocent civilians from criminals while she sleeps unconsciously in his bed?_
> 
> _One Thursday morning in biology, Mrs. Maison interrupted classroom conversations and caught everyone's attention. Judith was bored and sleepy because she had mastered the subject long ago. Her mindless drawing was interrupted by Vera's elbow, which was aimed at her ribs._
> 
> _"Meet the new student, Jack Napier, who from today will be attending class with you."_
> 
> _Mrs. Maison said in a bored tone as if she weren't too happy at the prospect of having another student under her care. Everyone knew that despite her extensive knowledge and teaching skills, Ms. Maison was not satisfied with her position._  
>  _Everyone's eyes turned to him. Immediately Judith was able to sympathize with him. Unfortunately, this was how society worked, but such moments were the worst and most stressful. You don't know what to say, how to act, you are alone._
> 
> _Jack entered the classroom. Judith looked at his appearance perhaps a little too long as he looked at her with hostility. He was_ _tall. Slightly stooped but tall. He had a storm of blonde, sandy-colored curls reaching over his ears. Dark eyes and a black hoodie. This was how much Judith had caught before Jack was out of sight, sitting on a bench at the far end of the large Hall._
> 
> _,,maybe you can tell something about yourself? You have nothing to say? " the professor asked in an even more bored voice._
> 
> "I don't think so.''
> 
> _it was short and quiet, but everyone understood and didn't feel like asking any more questions. His voice was deep and low. **Beautiful.**_
> 
> _The rest of the day passed without much news. Judith could hear no more the beautiful voice of the new, mysterious student. She didn't really see much of him. He entered the classroom ahead of her, sat on the last bench Far Out of Her Sight, and did not take part in lessons. He left school at 2 PM also a lot ahead of her. She felt disappointed, she always thought that when someone new came to class, he was trying to acclimatize and tame, make friends. Meanwhile, he was weird. Or rather incomprehensible. He avoided people, sight and normality. In all that one day, she hadn't seen him smile if she had ever seen him. He looked annoyed all the time, as if it were all so frustrating and pathetic._
> 
> _"He's really a weirdo, don't you think?"_
> 
> _Vera asked at lunchtime as she looked away from Napier sitting in complete solitude and seclusion, not doing anything special. It was interesting, Judith was always looking for a something to do, but he looked as if just sitting and thinking was the only thing you could do._
> 
> _"you know ... I think he's quite okay, you just need to get to know him a little better." She replied. Veronica only looked at her skeptically and without conviction._
> 
> _After coming home, doing homework, and taking a shower, Judith felt incredibly tired. For the first time in a long time, she had allowed her thoughts to wander. But they always wandered to the same place, to this new and mysterious boy. She didn't think of him as a boyfriend, but rather as an interesting case. He fascinated her. Many girls her age dream of having a perfect boyfriend. some brag about how many boys they have had sex with or how many drugs they have tried. Judith knew it would never be her. She detested such people and such behavior. She had always believed that the time would come for everything, that the moment would be right, and that that moment had not yet come. However, her fascination with people and human behavior was much more interesting to her. Just like Jack Napier. everyone who behaves like him, must have some mysteries and secrets. She wanted to get to know him, understand him and figure him out. Even then, she knew it would not be easy._

* * *

The adult version of Judith finally broke free from her memories so as not to get lost on the way to Arkham Asylum. She felt stress and excitement at the same time when she received an important call saying that she was starting work at this place in a week as a psychologist. From the moment she was interviewed for the job, she was tormented by great doubts. She thought that she did not do well, did not show up and did not make a proper impression on the employer. Stress ate her, she couldn't think clearly, yet the urgent need to find new employees for this madhouse forced the director to make the only right decision.  
After 30 minutes of driving, she saw a massive iron gate and a hanging Arkham Asylum sign. On the other side, the director of the center patiently waited for her with the key in his hand to be able to safely open the gate to let the woman in. Judith said hello to the new boss and hurried after him.

After a few minutes, they both reached the door of a large building that stretched out to all sight. They walked in silence until they encountered a metal door with a name tag bearing Judith's name on it.

"This is your office, make yourself comfortable."

Judith admitted that the sight slightly exceeded her expectations. You know, it wasn't a first-class office with all the luxury items like in the movies. The walls of the room were covered with light blue paint. The room had no windows, but the walls were covered with large paintings showing various flowers and patterns. Directly under the lamp was a modest wooden desk with all the necessary utensils and documents. There were four wide drawers underneath. There was a simple chair next to the desk that looked quite comfortable.

"I left you copies of all patient files on my desk. Read on and think about who suits you. Those who are already treated have information about it in the files."

The older man said calmly, pointing to the papers stacked on the table.

"Boss, I was thinking, maybe I could treat the Joker?" she blurt out. She knew that the only way to her success was through self-confidence.  
There was a momentary silence. After a while, the old man chuckled and said in an amused tone:

"I can see you aim high, Mrs. Finley. However, at the beginning I suggest you take care of someone easier. Prove you can handle it and then you will treat the Joker. "

"I will". She said firmly.

After about an hour, Judith had all the files of all patients behind her, but none of them seemed interesting to her. She felt frustrated and disappointed. She knew she wouldn't be able to deal with the most dangerous man in Gotham right away, but she wasn't ready to laugh at her ambitions from her boss. **Why am I angry? I should have expected it**. No one normal would entrust such an important task to a relatively ramshackle and inexperienced young girl fresh out of college. Unfortunately, this is how the world is structured that employers tend to look more at performance and achievements than at actual ability. Many of them do not have the skills and abilities greater than hers, but have more diplomas and medals on their walls than she could get in her entire life.

A young man entered the room. He was tall, with dark hair and glasses.

,,Hi, I'm sorry to disturb you. I heard that you are new here and that you have big ambitions. " He grinned at her irritated expression.

"I'm Jonathan Crane. I've been working here for a long time as a psychiatrist. I just wanted to see what a female psychologist looks like. we don't have much of them here "

He laughed. Judith smiled heartily when she didn't sense the hostility and mockery in Jonathan's words.

"something like that" corrected herself to show herself in full.

"I'm Judith Finley, and seriously, I'm not ambitious just desperate."

"I understand"

the man laughed, stepping closer and sitting in the small chair across from Judith.

"so, you said you came here to figure out the Joker? With all due respect, you know you aim very high? "

said Crane, the smile faded from his face and he became very serious.

"I know. However, I am intrigued and curious by this guy. It is really amazing "

"It's not a guy, it's a monster, Mrs. Finley. I know it's unusual, but it's even more dangerous. "

Judith lowered her head and became sad. Why did everyone see a monster in him? Nobody ever tried to understand him?

"Don't get me wrong, Dr. Crane. I do not endorse what he does in any way. I believe that what he does is beastly and I will never justify his actions, however ... "

"Miss Finley, your opinion is yours alone, my only advice is to think about whether you are expecting too much or living too much in your dreams." That's all.

Suddenly Jonathan got up from his chair and left without a word. Judith was sitting in her seat, not knowing what to do. Slowly, from under the thick and solid layer of her dreams, desires and goals to be fulfilled, real doubts began to emerge. Doubts as to whether she is in the right place or if she has not got lost too much in her childhood dreams.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi people! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :) as I always ask for feedback! In fact, in my story, before the scarecrow was a scarecrow, he was a young psychologist intrigued by fear and its effects, working with Judith. If there are any mistakes in the chapter regarding the operation of schools in America, psychiatric hospitals or anything like that, let me know! Unfortunately, I do not live in America xd in the country I come from, everything is completely different than in America, in addition, I have no idea about working, especially in psychiatric hospitals, because I am just too young, I get all the information from guesswork and the Internet, but not necessarily they are real… I know that in America there are no classes that work as well as in other countries, only each student goes to different lessons with others, but it will be easier for me if we assume that in Gotham students are divided into individual classes in which the students are the same hours for the same lessons. as for Jack Napier, I just imagine him as 16-year-old Heath Ledger, whose appearance I gave Jack. I hope you will understand :) that's it, see you in the next chapter!


	5. About Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just want to apologize for having to wait so long for a new chapter and, that this one can be a bit boring. Unfortunately (or fortunately), even if I wanted to, I would not be able to write a story in which everything happens immediately and quickly without first introducing ... anyway, enjoy reading! <3

* * *

Judith was on the way to the house, when it started to rain. Dense, sharp rain pounded the roof and windows of a light silver car that almost swayed in the wind. Even though the phone's display show 6:46 pm, it was practically dark in Gotham this time of year. Any inflow of sunlight was also blocked by thick black clouds. Driving in such conditions was not the most pleasant. Actually, her whole day hadn't been a pleasant one. If she could, she wouldn't be leaving for work today.

At the very beginning, she met Poison Ivy to prove herself, and prove her skills. Despite Pamela's mild-mannered and empathetic nature, it all went against plan when Judith got completely lost and stressed. This is what happens when you want to please someone. Therefore, she should not think about it at all, and should not focus all her attention on the boss's eyes directed directly at her. **Now I am sure no one will give me a Joker.** The session ended quickly and unexpectedly as Judith no longer knew what to say herself. In order to prove herself, she asked Pamela only a few basic questions which did not help at all, and her behavior certainly did not improve the bad situation. When a tired and defeated woman, collecting the doctor's unflattering comments and opinions, when everything in her head was vibrating and trembling under a surge of negative emotions, and when she thought that this day could not be any worse, her car engine roared slightly and then went out. **This must be a joke.** And so Judith found herself in the middle of a wretched neighborhood in dark Gotham, sitting in a broken car when outside storm, rain and wind made it impossible to see clearly.

The air inside the car started to cool down quickly when the heating stopped working completely. **Fuck**. These are the only words that came to her mind at that moment. As if that was not enough, from noon her cell phone was completely discharged, so that she couldn't even turn it on for a few seconds. A lot of cars passed by a parked car. Some less careful drivers honked at Judith in the middle, barely escaping the crush. Many of them must have cursed the distraught Judith when she didn't know what to do. To be honest, she didn't even know where she was. On the way to work and on the way back, she had learned only one thing to overcome her poor orientation in the field. Driving this long forest road, he has to turn left, right in front of this Thai restaurant. **But where the hell is the restaurant?!** In fact, it's only the second time on this road, so even the amazing knowledge of individual trees won't do much in this fog. After all, you could barely see the roadside and the short road ahead of the car.

**What should I do then? Maybe I'll wait in the car for better weather? No, I can't stand in the middle of the road. I'd better go out and find help.**

When the determined and relatively optimistic woman grabbed the door handle, she almost died of a heart attack when a face with glasses appeared in the window. Judith couldn't believe her eyes. **My bad luck is over, someone sent me a savior**.

"I guess you need help."

"You fell from heaven for me. I think I have a problem with my car ... maybe you can help me somehow ... "

Jonathan raised his eyebrows and smiled as he saw Judith in such a pitiful position. Crane opened the car and helped her out.

Together, they slowly pushed the reluctant and stationary car off the street, collecting a lot of insults from impatient drivers. After 5 minutes the weather had not improved at all, but Judith, along with the car and her savior, were already in the parking lot outside the block. It turned out that Jonathan was there, because the large, exclusive apaerament opposite turned out to be his home.

"I think your battery is dead, you know, low temperature, rain, it just stopped working."

Jonathan said, looking under the hood of the car with confidence, as if he were not a psychiatrist at all, but a car mechanic with a lot of experience.

"Can you fix it?"

"Sure, I don't see anything to repair here anyway, just charge the battery."

He said in a slightly mocking tone, **as if everyone in this world was an expert** , she thought. Jonathan chuckled and then added:

“It may take a while. Maybe you will come into my apartment for a moment, warm up and wait? I'm not going to leave you outside in this weather. "

Natural distrust towards newly met people (especially men) said no, but fatigue, frostbite and, in fact, lack of any other choice forced judith to say yes. The man connected some cables from the device he had previously removed from his garage and went towards the door. Judith, slightly dazed, shuffled after him. After walking three or four floors, they finally made it to the right door. Judith never complained about her condition, but such an effort had a significant impact on her breathing and sore muscles. She couldn't understand why there was no elevator in such a modern apartment.

After opening the door, she saw a rather stern and apparently fresh apartment. There was a lot of space because gray furniture didn't took up too much space. There wasn't even a television set, instead perhaps the biggest bookshelf she had ever seen.

"Sorry for the mess"

he said, in all seriousness. You could immediately see him as a morbid perfectionist, he didn't actually have a mess, because he didn't even have anything to make of it, which even made her laugh a little. How absurd and simple was it to stand up to clutter and chaos when there was simply nothing to make it out of?

"So ... how long have you been living here?"

Judith stuttered, not quite sure what to say. Crane, meanwhile, made warm tea for both of them and sat down across from her.

“How long… I don't know. I was born in Gotham. When my father died, he inherited this apartment, it will be about 6 years. I think so. What about you? Have you been sitting in this hole for a long time? "

And it so happened that from talking about Gotham, they quickly went on to discuss her life in detail.

“I'm sorry you had to go through this, Judith, I really do. I know how hard it is for you "

She didn't want to hear it. She did not want to hear again that someone was sorry for what had happened to her, she did not want to show weakness and arouse sympathy. She wished she had even started this topic, she should have not said all this. She fought her teary eyes hard. Only 20 minutes had passed, her cup of tea was already empty, the wind outside still furiously lashed the windows and roofs of the buildings, sweeping away everything on the ground. The rain fell even more heavily than before, and lightning struck the ground steadily. The topics for conversation have been exhausted. The silence was not the comfortable and pleasant but the more awkward and weird.

"Well, you want to take on the Joker case?"

a clear and soft voice brought her out of her thoughts.

"Oh, yes i do."

Judith picked up on the topic at once, and saw an opportunity in this situation.

“I try to understand the motives of actions, I am trying to understand and discover this man, for this I need to work with him. I care about it, John, because I think I see an opportunity for him that no one else sees. "

At this point, Judith said a few words too much.

“Motives for action? Justification? You know what you say? In fact, I think only you see a chance for a _monster_. You know what, let me tell you something, you better remember that before you get into trouble. "

Crane's tone was harsh now, and his expression had changed, too, and he was definitely not joking now.

“Some people just don't need any motives. Or they have some that we ordinary people will never understand. People like him aren't normal people, you know. They don't feel compassion, they don't care about anyone. Do you know why Batman is weak? "

"Because Bat have nothing to threaten him."

"this is. He just has nothing to lose. Such as him, sociopaths and murderers do not need a motive that we understand, or maybe it is all for some message that we do not even understand. I'm sure you know who a sociopath is, I don't need to remind you, Judith, but to be able to cure a clown, you need to know that sociopathism is not curable. That you won't get sympathy from a sociopath. That he would only do anything to his advantage. Anything to achieve his own goals. Do you know why they work and act alone? Because ingdy's sociopath will not disappoint himself. It is this narcissistic trait that allows each of them to manage on their own, because they know that they will do everything right, they won't have to rely on anyone or anything.

* * *

> _On day 10 at the new school, judith was mocked for the first time. It was so stupid, she just overslept that day and did not manage to brush her hair. You can start laughing at the very thought, but the stupidity of it all. The absurdity of being bullied at school for such stupid reasons. Only everyone should know that not everyone is strong, not everyone can just stop caring._
> 
> _The next day, young Judith was mocked by her dirty old sweatshirt because she couldn't afford a new one and her father never wanted to divide his fortune with an unwanted child, which he called good manners. On the thirteenth day of school, a group of girls laughed at Judith trembling at the blackboard in math class when she failed to solve a simple action out of stress._
> 
> _What about Veronica? She just kept saying, that they were such a joke and no one was laughing at her seriously. She threw her and with an engraved look and said she worried too much. It was the first time that Judith felt lonely. Another hard week passed, full of humiliation, full of fear and anger. This time no one was looking for an excuse or a reason, everyone mocked her because she was different. They laughed because she loved biology and was always the first to respond. They were laughing because she dressed weird, didn't have style and expensive clothes that she simply couldn't afford. They were laughing at her because she listened to weird old music and not what everyone else was listening to. They were laughing because she didn't want to take a cigarette from them and drink a glass. They laughed at her lifestyle, at her accent, at all of her. Only he never laughed. When she became a laughingstock, Jack sat on his last bench by the window and stared nowhere without mockery or hostility. He just watched patiently but never did anything._
> 
> _When one day, quite by accident, Judith found a group of girls smoking in the school bathroom, and as a revenge Caroline, the head rag and queen of the entire school, and her allies destroyed her favorite book, Judith realized a very important thing: some people don't need a logical explanation for their baddies at all. actions, don't need a motive, they just do bad things. Maybe they want to please, maybe self-esteem themselves, maybe they feel better than others. Maybe they want to impose their idea or hierarchy on someone, she wasn't sure. She just did not know how to show compassion for such people, because only that was appropriate for them. Then she also found out what kind of person Veronica really was. she only felt disappointment. Disappointment and embarrassment, shame that she was stupid and naive enough to think she had made a friend. The truth was, at that point, no one really cared about her._
> 
> * * *

"Judith?"

voice brought her back to full consciousness. John looked at her anxiously, as if he thought he had said something wrong.

"sorry... Im alright. I just thought. "

She paused, but after a short thought, continued,

“Thank you. I think I know exactly what you mean, and really, I'm not trying to find excuses where there is none. "

Jonathan nodded slightly and looked out the window at Gotham night in the dark and fog.

"I know. I know you don't do it because you are intelligent. "

John glanced at her collarbone, which was quickly turning color with the compliment.

“I don't know if you remember, but a few years ago there was a lot of talk about a serial killer who only killed women with blonde hair. The matter was not publicized, because Gotham is a specific city, and politics is based on managing people and their emotions so as not to cause panic and fear in them. Not to get unnecessary questions for which they had no answers. "

Had Judith thought about it any longer, she could have come to the same conclusion without hesitation. There are things she knows, and knows that the media in this devastated city has shown differently than what real events would have indicated. However, there are things, there are things that Judith only knows about as much as they say on TV, and without thinking much longer she mindlessly believes every word, like 99% of the whole city probably does.

"When he was caught" -Jonathan returned to his story- "he confessed immediately. He didn't fight, he didn't show up, he just entered the cell with a smile on his face and said that he had no regrets. He killed women with blonde hair, because it was the color of the hair of his beloved, who had previously broken his heart, and he only took revenge on defenseless girls for her. "

Judith's eyes grew heavy and sleepy, but she listened diligently to the story. In fact, the media had great power when it turned out that she had never heard of the case herself.

"Case number two. The guy was stained with blood like hardly anyone else did back then. He looked for victims in the park. He seduced young women, made friends with guys or bribed kids with sweets. It didn't matter. He dragged victims to the house of his old and sick mother, who was to protect him from the police, pretend and cover him when necessary. This monster murdered children and men in his basement with particular cruelty, young girls were not so lucky, they died for a long time and in agony, constantly raped to the point of unconsciousness, and finally died of exhaustion, bleeding or starvation. In order that his mother would not find out about his activities, he would grind the bodies of his victims in a meat grinder and burn the bones. He fed these people to pigs. As if nothing had happened, he was throwing the ground human corpse into the feeder. That's how he killed for almost 10 years, about 40 people. He was elusive. They only caught it when one of the pigs poisoned itself with its "food" and the investigators could examine the ground meat. "

"why are you telling me this?"

Despite her resilience and curiosity about the world, especially the twisted and scary one, Judith didn't feel very comfortable with this knowledge. She felt sick and felt like crying. How is it possible that the mention itself about this monster arouses such emotions in her, when he did such things without any emotion? Wait, did I just call him a monster? Yes. But then how is it difference from the Joker, that Judith had strictly forbidden to call a monster? There was a problem here. It relied on nothing. There was no difference between the two people, as Jonathan had made her known in a rather subtle way.

“I'm saying this to show you that people aren't really complicated at all. There are only bad and good ones. I don't care who they were before, I don't care why they became who they are now. I care that they are angry that they are unable to change and fix. You can't help them, and these goddamn psychiatric facilities are sheer exploitation. "

"I do not think so."

“Then take a look at it, Judith. Please don't get me wrong. I just can't watch such a capable and young woman go to waste in this monstrous city, in this dangerous and devoid of empathy city. This city has no hope, no rescue for it. Everything changed when Batman came, and it changed even more when he left. I don't think this town will see the light anymore, Judith. His only future is Anarchy, chaos and mess, because the Joker will win in the end. "

The rain began to beat almost unbearably against the metal roof of the building, forcing Crane to raise her voice, but Judith barely heard him.

"Do you know why this monster has upset these people? Why did he throw their ground bodies to be eaten by hungry pigs? Because he liked it. He liked to listen to the cacophony of screams, to moans and to Agony, he loved to hear them beg for mercy. A fucking sadist. A sociopath who is no different from that Clown. "

Even though she knew John was right, Judith was tired of constantly pushing away the thoughts of how everyone was trying to deprive her of success, kept cutting her wings off, and making her go down to earth when she couldn't even walk.

"Um, it's getting late, I have to go ..."

"Oh yeah, sure. I think your battery is ready to take you home safely. "

She watched as the sinister expression faded from his face, possessiveness and anger faded, and his cheerful and caring expression reappeared. He got up, took a mug from Judith which had once been delicious tea, and walked her to the car. Fortunately, the weather had improved considerably by then, only a sparse rain oozed out of the sky, lightning cracked less and less frequently, and the wind had subsided a little and gave an advantage to the nighttime traffic of Gotham's main streets. As she drove, she felt her eyes close, but her mind still couldn't stop thinking about what John had told her. She just couldn't believe it, or maybe she didn't want to. She was just full of admiration, how could the Joker differ so much from other murderers that when she saw his face painted white, black and red, she felt only curiosity, intrigue and admiration? Did she finally go crazy herself, or did she really see him as someone… familiar? Definitely, she was already freaking out.

After crawling up the stairs to her own apartment, Emma's bear hug almost knocked her off her feet.

"Where the hell have you been ?!"

"So ... I was already driving home, but my car broke down, but my colleague from work saved me, who helped me fix the car and at that time he invited me to his house and made tea, we talked and then I returned home."

She said in a barely conscious voice.

"Sounds like a poor romantic movie script, but so be it."

She teased.

"Oh shut up, don't be mean. If he didn't find me, I would probably still be standing there in the middle of the street. "

Knowing her happiness and resourcefulness, and vaguely lack of her, Judith knew it was true.

“Okay, never mind that. How about a little trip to the club ... without alcohol, because I know that you are going to work tomarrow. "

"Emma, we both know you don't need alcohol to act indecently."

Judith said, remembering in her head a "non-alcoholic" party a week ago when Emma landed on the food table dancing half-naked in front of drunk guys. Judith just knew her too well, and her eccentric personality. She was just a young soul looking for entertainment, completely out of step with the balanced and calm Judith. In a way, this disposition of Emma gave the brunette a sense of meaning, encouraged her and gave her enthusiasm. Emma saw the world through the eyes of children, when there were no consequences, when you could play and go crazy until you died of fatigue. Still having a picture of what had happened with Emma at the last party, she just said lazy "another time, Emma" and shuffled into her room with sore muscles and mind. In a way, she wanted to be like her. She would like to have a little more freedom and childlike joy in life, but someone has to be serious. Someone has to balance the harsh character of the other, otherwise this world would succumb destruction, if only these two groups of people would separate permanently. Eventually Judith, forgetting everything, satisfied with the level of clearing her mind, caught some longed-for dream for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A few words of explanation - in my non-canonical world, everything happens after the dark knight, except for Jonathan Crane, who isn't yet a scarecrow. For now, he is just a new friend (?) of our Judith, who may win her more sympathy over time ... besides, sorry for the lack of detailed descriptions of some things, such as an interview with Poison Ivy, but I had no idea for that. Also sorry for not having a Joker / Jack in this chapter, I promise there will be more in the next one. tell me what you think!


	6. Little Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I want to apologize straight away (as usual) for not having this work published for a long time. There is definitely more Joker in this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it. As a reminder, I use italics for memories (not necessarily Judith) and plain text are the characters' current events (also not always Judith) enjoy!

It was late evening, but in the Arkham Asylum the voices were still heard, and bright, white light cast rays through the narrow windows of the building. A tall, stocky man who will probably be fifty soon, walks down the bright third-floor corridor, a corridor for the most severe cases of this place. It passes by those whose cages had to be reinforced with additional steel, otherwise they would break under the pressure of aggressive attacks. Others seemed almost empty until you looked into the deepest corner and noticed the monsters hiding there, because that's what they became. Closed in on themselves, huddled, defeated, deprived of everything.

Dr. Marston finally reached the last door of the long corridor. He gave a knowing nod at the two large men guarding the entrances to the room. The larger, bald man opened the room door for the doctor, and Mr. Marston entered the dark space without hesitation. He was greeted by twilight, contrasting with the rest of the bright building. The Doctor made sure the door to the room was securely closed and continued on. He greeted the third bodyguard with a faint smile. This one was slightly shorter and more massive than the other two. He made sure that nothing happened to the doctor during therapy. The room was small and rather claustrophobic if we know who to share it with. The walls, unlike the rest of the building, were light green, the floor was old and matched with the rest. There was a desk in the center of the small room. large laboratory lamp stand on the desk and a black plastic chair next to it. It was the same on the other side, but already taken.

The doctor, despite his experience and confidence, felt discomfort at the very thought of being with the Joker in this cramped room, despite the fact that he has been conducting this therapy for a week, every evening. Mr. Marston, regaining his confidence and strength in his muscles, sat down on a plastic chair with the distance of the desk between him and the Clown. The Joker, without his flashy, colorful outfit, seemed incomplete but, still terrifying. The doctor claims that despite regular meetings, he is still not able to get used to the feeling accompanying him during therapy, the feeling of weakness and fear, even though there is no real threat.

The bodyguard in the corner picked up the propped weapon and placed it safely in his right hand. He walked past the desk and, watched, positioned himself right behind the Joker, ready to defend. Mr. Marston switched on a lamp, which cast a bright light on the man sitting opposite. The first was always looking at his scars. Almost invisible on TV, eye-catching live, clear. One a bit more messy and ragged, and the other one folded upwards, a task done with some blunt knife, maybe on purpose. Every day he wondered which of his stories is true, or **is there another?** He thought about renewing the wound every now and then to keep his gaudy appearance. There was another scar, overlapping his lower lip, almost like a war scar. Bright red reflected the lamp light more strongly than the white desk. The head of the ward decided not to strip the clown of his make-up, because nobody really wanted to do it. The white paint on the rest of the face took on eerie brilliance and fury under the light. Yet even the smudged black stain was not as dark as the irises. There was some darkness in them, like a black hole they absorbed everything that was within reach. The pupils were hardly even visible, it was impossible to distinguish them. Long curls obscured a part of her face and fell over her forehead. A pale green was still lingering at the tips, and darker streaks grew back at the roots. His skinny figure was wrapped in a prison, behind a large shirt in a fierce orange shade, a prison number on his right breast. The doctor knew the Joker was refusing meals. He was still receiving a large dose of sedatives and numbing drugs, so he was surprised why he was still conscious, had no idea where this man was getting his energy from. For added protection, his arms were handcuffed painfully behind his back. He was sitting tilted back, confident and impatient. His eyes were constantly moving, assessing his surroundings, looking for possible threats as if they had to be in control.

" **G'eve-ning,** Doc"

the first spoke up, lazily drawing on the syllables, his gaze firmly focused on Mr. Marston.

"good evening."

the doctor efficiently avoided eyesight and greedily flashed between the individual documents spread on the desk. The Joker was still not losing his attention, staring at the papers in front of him while keeping an eye on Mr. Marston.

"Listen, I will not ask anymore about how you feel and other nonsense, because I know that it doesn't matters for you and them"

the doctor gathered courage and looked imperiously and firmly into the black eyes.

" **well** , ya gettin' some progress here. But ya still thin **k** , **what-ever** you say to me here matters, doc. ”

He said with a smile that stretched his jagged scars in a grimace.

"What I say doesn't matter, but what you say matters a lot. You know perfectly well, that you will be responsible for it all, and everyone knows, you have nothing to **lose** "

He tried to play a different card, slightly provoking.

"I've nothing to lose for a **long** time."

"so, have you ever? something, or someone?"

the doctor tries to provoke again, thinking that this is his only bargaining chip, not realizing the enormous patience of the opponent. His sole purpose in all this bullshit therapy is to get information about this man while also deciding his sanity based on his conversations. In response to the latter, it was clear that the doctor would not declare insanity even if the truth was otherwise. **This monster had to pay for all of this**. As for the second, it was almost impossible to suspect when nobody knew absolutely nothing about him. He could be imprisoned, he could be tortured, but he would not receive the appropriate punishment without this informations. Everyone has already given up in these efforts, because why would they confide in them? The long investigation also did not reveal any new information. This man is mystery.

"but **ya,** doc. ya've a lot to lo-se, am I righ **t**?"

It was always the biggest problem, this bloody attempt to manipulate, turn the questions so that the therapist was the patient, with great weaknesses, open to him like a book.

"I think I'm more interested in talking about your weaknesses. You can tell me about them."

 **One more try.** Their meetings began to look like a failed tic-tac-toe game. One attacks and one defends so effectively that there can be hundreds of such games, but no one ever wins, in the end the game becomes meaningless.

"Ya know, I think you wanna talk honestly, doctor. I guess that's the **point.** Why don't ya honestly tell me, **what** you feel?"

This time the doctor was extremely surprised. Distracting him from the subject was a standard trick used in therapy, but despite the huge dose of drugs, he always made sense.

"wha do you **feel** , when you come home knackered, and **there** , ya know, **no-bo-dy** greets you? you know, that **she’ll be not right?**

There was a silence, broken only by the soft giggle of the Joker who knew pretty well, he had hit a weak spot. Mr. Marston paused in his thoughts and tried with all his strength to shake off the memories, but he lose.

* * *

_Almost six months ago, It was a very chilly evening when Dr. Marston sat in his quiet office looking through the rest of today's shift papers. The work for him was over, and the doctor was on his way home. It was Friday, so fueled by the prospect of a well-earned rest in a warm bed, or in front of the TV with his daughter and wife, he quickly packed his things and was just leaving the office when she appeared. A beautiful and sexy secretary, modestly dressed in a short dress and high heels. The man had been watching her closely for a long time. He scanned her body and swallowed._

_"Hi! You never told me your name."_

_She approached him several inches away and looked into his eyes. In fact, the doctor was kind of her boss, he was still standing over her in the hierarchy, and this woman just wanted to please. However, there was something about her that distinguished her from the man's wife, she was simply younger and more beautiful, and the older man had not known the satisfaction for a long time. With their dignity and marital fidelity in mind, they later only flirted, innocent conversations, and the woman turned out to be really okay, she wasn't a whore, and just wanted to make a good impression._

_The conversation, however, was enough to lead to five missed calls to the doctor's phone. They were all from his wife. Only then, with a brisk gait and a smile on his face, after checking the phone, the doctor remembered this important thing that he was supposed to remember that day._

_"Bob, you promised. You promised you would drive us home! "_

_Mr. Marston put on a frightened face, scratching his head helplessly, making excuses quickly. After all, today was Friday, and his wife was in the health center with her daughter, just like every week. **How could I forget?** There were no buses at this hour, so the two were going home with Bob. As every week. Like every week, little Sarah went to heavy therapy, but he forgot because he found something more interesting to do. _

_"you promised. We waited twenty minutes in the cold for you, but now, don't come. we're back on our feet."_

_Before the man could speak, the conversation was over. **shit!** _

_He left the office, throwing his briefcase behind him. His wife, however, was too firm for him to argue or convince her. He called three more times, but she didn't answer, and the doctor got into the car and started off. The way home was completely different than the way to the center, there were doubts. On the very last block, his phone rang._

_"Hello? Bob? ... I think ... I think we have problem, could you come? "_

_When he was practically at home, he immediately regretted his decision. As soon as he heard his wife's low and frightened voice, he paused, his heart pounding._

_"tell me what's going on? "_

_"I think... I think that someone is following us from the center, I wanted to lose him, but he still ... oh my god ... "_

_At the end of the earphone there was a sob and a scream as other voices, this time male, spoke. The doctor shouted, tried, but got no answer. He only heard the screams of his family, and the dead silence afterwards. Soon after, a nice policeman called to report that the family was dead. it was supposed to be an ordinary theft, just when a defenseless mother with a disabled daughter were walking down a dark, uninhabited street. was supposed to be, and would have been, if only this little girl hadn't struggled so much, if her mother hadn't screamed so loudly. **he has failed.**_

* * *

"It still **hurts** , doesn't it, doc? Ya feel bad, cause you weren't **there**. Allow yourself a mo-ment of **honesty,** huh? You've com-plaints that you weren't good father, or even a good husband."

"stop!"

The doctor was still flooded with new memories and images unfolding before his eyes, a wave of sadness, a wave of remorse and fear. He is always afraid of this in therapy, afraid that despite his experience, the Joker will win after all. He will find a weak point, manipulate, reverse the situation, so that the doctor will have no chance. Accustomed to the fact that the Joker was still doing it, he still knew everything about him without even considering how it was possible. His mind games were just too hard, he played on feelings, and the doctor couldn't do it on him because he didn't even know what to say, he didn't have a foothold, he had no support.

"if you think you will win, you are wrong. You have already lost, you have no chance, you are fighting for an idea that is dying out, you garbage. You try to create chaos and confusion, to prove something that is not true anymore.

The doctor no longer thought about whether what he said had any effect, he did not observe him anymore, he just left the room with the accompaniment of mocking laugh. He turned to the director and wiped away his tears.

"I have enough, boss. I give up, you have to give him someone else."

He didn't wait for an answer, he just left. It wasn't that the doctor was a coward. That he gives up quickly or is weak. This was what all meetings with the Joker looked like, each one separately and they were all the same, and the doctor was fed up. No, he wasn't weak. He has endured enough already, and the Joker has destroyed him. It destroyed in many ways, and best of all, in words alone, the destruction was actually done by the victim's mind. He was destroying himself, Mr Marston was a prisoner of his madman-driven mind. You can't take it that long. The damn clown knew more about him than he did about himself, he knew his every weakness. The director knew what he should do. He has to find someone the joker does not know, who he will not guess. **The question is, who?**

* * *

_It had only been a few days since Jack Napier joined Judith's class, but that was enough to get people to whisper. To make theories, spread rumors._

_"this blonde is just a freak. He probably steals and kills to get some cash for food, they say."_

_"Look at him ... only the poor people from Narrows look like this ..."_

_The young Judith managed to push between the bodies and resist the temptation to comment on the gossipy words of the rich children of entrepreneurs who think that they deserve more because they have better life. In a way, Judith felt a connection with this boy. In fact, she hardly knew him, but she just knew it, she knew he had a hard time too. she know how to recognise such people._

_She sat down on the sill of the larger window in the corridor and pulled out the journal. In a way, he has become her only ally since things started to get bad. The only interlocutor, something like a friend to whom he can confide and know that he will be fair, will be patient, and will listen to her._

**_Dear diary, today I feel more lonely than usual. I think I miss the sun. I miss… happiness, you know. But I also see some good points,because when their attention shifted to the new one, I don't hear insults that often, yeah, I think that's a good side. But I have remorse, I always have some remorse and doubts, because I do not know myself, I think that he is also having a hard time. Dear diary, there is one day left until the weekend, and I'm trying to make it not the only thing I'm waiting for, I'm trying really hard. But you know, I think it doesn't quite come out. I think my dad is worried about me, but he can't help me. He's not good at… things like that. I wish it were better. I wish I had hope._ **

_It was the day judith noticed that the strange blonde guy was coming home almost the same way, only 500 meters to the stop, and even taking the same bus, but it's always far ahead of her there. Like he just wants to be home away from people, just like her. It was also the day that a group of older boys decided to make fun of her._

_"Hey **there,** girl!"_

_She was only about 100 meters from the stop, to the people, which would probably take her a few seconds, if not for the robust and fat boy almost twice bigger than her, blocking her way. She quickly entered a state of panic when equally big boys stood behind her back, with cunning smiles on their ugly chubby faces. One of them stepped out of their small ranks and came way too close to Judith. She tried to pull away, but found another boy behind her. The whole situation was beginning to disturb her mentally._

_"take it easy, I just wanted you to know, Finley, that dirty freaks like you are not tolerated at our school."_

_She didn't understand. She didn't understand how the evil mind must have hidden in these people, maybe she was just stupid, but she didn't understand. Was it really that far from these standards? Or something?_

_"yes, dirty whores and freaks."_

_A second, slightly smaller boy with a thin voice added. As they were about to leave, apparently proud of their threat, the tallest of them turned and hung his gaze on Judith's bag. Knowing the boys would not touch her in the middle of the day in the middle of the street, but knowing that no one would notice the theft, her lost panic and fear filled her back._

_"Wait ... Finley, your father owns the company, am I am? soo... He probably has a lot of money._

_"he does not!"_

_She screamed when the boy swung at her, trying to unsuccessfully grab the bag. Then Jack appeared behind them from the side of the stop._

_"move **up**."_

_He growled softly but with great force. The girl looked into his eyes with a pleading look, crying for any help. it was so terribly cold. An icy wind blew across Judith's bare neck and cheeks, knowing the three safe walls of the stop were not far away._

_"Look who came. Ladies and Gentlemen, there he comes! a rat-eater, a murderer and drug addict, blonde star of Narrows! another freak, almost like you, Finley."_

_The tallest and probably strongest boy stepped out of the circle again. He stood in front of Jack, spreading his hands, and his group of subjects laughed. Judith saw how problems in life can make a person grow up. It was true. It's just that these boys had too well in life, they act like children because they are treated like that. How vulnerable, dependent. They have no chance to be who they want, they should be the object of compassion here._

_"outta. my. **way**."_

_The blonde said as he approached the saucy boy, who turned out to be shorter than him and smaller. He accepted the challenge with a smile on his face, but his subjects did not seem to have that much courage, because immediately their smile fell from their mouths. One of them started nudging the boss and urging him to come back. Under the pressure of Jack's dark, intense gaze and frightened friends treating the rumor about the alleged murders of a new student from Narrows for serious, he let go, and without turning back, walked away. Boys followed them like cowardly dogs. Judith missed the whole scene as she kept her eyes sharp on the cobblestone ankle under her feet with awkwardness._

_"t-thank you."_

_She raised her head to Jack's high level, briefly catching his incredibly dark gaze. He had a formidable face, so menacing that Judith was unsure about the rumors about his "Profession." As soon as she looked up, he turned without a word and walked towards the stop. Judith let out an unconsciously held breath and followed him._

_She felt weird about what had happened. First, she felt fear. bulying her was limited to mean comments or avoiding her with a wide berth in the corridor, whispering behind her back, but it was something completely different. She knew there wouldn't always be someone to help her, and she was incredibly surprised to find someone like this this time, especially Him. **Freak like me.**_

_She didn't even know why he did it. He didn't know her or anything. Maybe it was just too difficult to find good and sincere intentions in the gestures of people in this broken world, maybe it lacked those good people._

_They got on the same bus together. Judith always tried to find a place to sit because it gave her some space and comfort, and the journey was long and tiring. At the very end she found a double seat while everyone else was occupied. She sat glued to the window and wrapped tightly in her jacket, trying to trap some of the heat lost by standing outside for too long. She noticed that her curly-blonde rescuer was standing by the door a few yards away, and from her hiding place she could safely watch him. She looked sleepily at the wide frame. She saw how **handsome he was** , and wondered once again why people saw him as a freak. **It was crazy**. At the moment when a large group of kids late leaving school, only a few years old, entered the bus. She saw Jack, trying to make a distance between himself and the kids, looking for an empty seat to sit down. Not thinking much, she stretched her hand over the seat backs and pointed to it connected to hers. She saw the decision made in him, and thought that the little things, little activities, decisions and interactions that are normal for normal people are so stressful and hard for anti-social and anti-human people like her. _

_He walked briskly towards her and she made a place for him next to her. She immediately regretted that decision when she felt him **so close to her**. Despite intense attempts, their thighs and arms touched each other. Judith refused to even look at his face, instead stared at the slowly setting sun on the horizon. If it had been anyone else, she wouldn't have reacted that way. And she hated it. For a moment she felt his gaze on her, but he turned him away as soon as she looked at him. The old cold was gone, now she was **too hot**. Barely, but she smelled him, like gasoline… cigarettes. _

_She didn't quite understand what was happening to her, why she felt so. she don't even know how she or boy like him should act. **probably just normal**. His eyes were still alert and open, his whole body tense and constricted, just like hers. Again, the thought that this was a wrong decision came to her mind, now it's just too awkward. _

_"Do you get off it Narrows?"_

_She decided to break the silence, relax the atmosphere. It felt like there was only her and Jack on the entire bus. The only response she got from him was an impetuous nod, he didn't even glance at her. She froze, thinking he didn't even want to look at her. **Shit, why did she have to be such a loser?** Why is everything that people do perceive as bad. She couldn't get rid of the constant remorse in her mind that she was annoying, that she was stupid, worth nothing. **this is probably a mental illness.** She probably shouldn't have bothered about it, but she wasn't sure she could do it yet. She ceased all attempts, noticing the inability to communicate, and turned her head back to the window. She focused on simple activities like counting houses and staring at the roses and oranges of the setting sun._

_"and ya?"_

_Her heart leapt slightly to her throat when Jack's deep, dark voice broke through the hiss of the moving old bus. She thought she even found a strange accent in him, perhaps Australian or something._

_"I…"_

_For a moment she really didn't know what to say, staring blankly into his dark eyes. Black seemed so close. His jaw muscles moved as if he were gritting his teeth. **I still don't** **know what's happening to me.** _

_-um… Burnley… I get off at Burnley."_

_She cleared her throat, and after a long wait, Jack got an answer, even a small, uncertain smile from her. Judith tried to get a closer look at her companion, but the bus went dark immediately from the setting sun, which had stopped shining on this part of town. The hood of his dark blouse carefully covered his long, strange curly hair. **How the hell** **isn't he feel cold?** After a moment of awkwardness, the brown-haired girl turned her gaze back to the window. The light fell at a strange angle, giving her a view of the top of modern and tall skyscrapers slowly passing into poorer blocks. The streets were less busy, people were hiding indoors because everyone knew Gotham was not a place for lonely walks at night. The further away from the city, the darker it got, because the street lamps were not shining here as intensely as in the city. The two weren't fully speaking when Jack got off at Narrows from the nearly empty bus. **I can see the good side, he could change to a different seat when there was empty space.**_

_He walked away from her without a word, and she immediately felt the chill of his departure that surprised her. She had passed this place so many times, but only now was she looking at it from the perspective of a place to live. From the perspective that someone actually lives there, which seems almost impossible. She saw Jack walking into the middle of the great darkness of the dingy buildings, and a strange mist looming over the road. it was making it impossible to see anything. there was hardly any light there. Why is this place still inhabited? Maybe Jack really comes from a poor family, he has no money to buy an apartment in a more livable place? It had seemed very likely at the time._

_After another 30 minutes, she made her way to home, leaving the bus as the only one left. It was almost the last stop, so literally nobody was driving anymore. She missed the warmth of the bus quickly when she fell into a vortex of cold, late autumn air. She was at her home as soon as possible._

_"Judith?"_

_Mr. Finley leaned out of the kitchen, wearing a funny apron and obviously pretending to cook._

_"yes, dad."_

_"you're okay, honey?"_

_He looked at her skeptically, watching her reaction and the hunched figure. All she remembered was today. She remembered the last week and everything she heard about herself. All the push, blasphemy. All. And after all, realizing how lonely she really was, how she really had no one. And she said the only right thing that came to her mind. The only lie that could only hurt her, the only lie that haunted and destroyed her. her little lie._

_"Yes dad, everything is alright."_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm glad you made it ... so I have to explain everything as always. first, I am sorry that Judith may be very annoying to you, her behavior and thoughts are overly depressive, or something like that. but it all comes from the fact that I write this character a bit on the basis of myself, probably for some people it's really strange, but any interaction with another person is a problem for me, and looks like interactions these two. if it bothers you a lot as Judith, I'll try to change it. the second thing is my Jack is acting similar to her. speaks little, communicates hard. I'd like you to relate this to his problems and troubles that you theoretically don't know about yet. he has a hard time communicating with people because he doesn't trust them, everyone wants to hurt him, and he is careful, dont want to interact, prefer loneliness.thirdly (god, this summary gets long) I would like to explain why I am writing it as if he was an perfect man (actually, for me Heath is, and my Jack look like him, so(that is why jack may be australian). I think this can be explained by infatuation. Judith might have a little crush on him, so she only sees the good points, you know what I mean. that's it! as always, please know what you think, the tips and mistakes you find will also be useful. I hope the next chapter will be soon. <3


	7. Dont Leave Me There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy, ah, yes sorry, I know that there was nothing here for a long time, but actually, was anyone waiting at all? ;P  
> but you have a longer chapter now, and I swear I was writing it for a few months, especially in hard times, and there have been many of these lately, so sorry if you get bored with my self-pity transferred to self-pity Judith or something XD (im soo like her, personally) dont forget to read those notes under the chapter for some explanation there. and, i had no idea for chapter title so sorry. enjoy!

**„Why should I apologize for the monster I have become?**

**No one ever apologized for making me this way.”**

_"I must **leave.** "_

_Judith's father started uncertainly when he had taken her to the school in silence so far. She didn't answer. In fact, she knew it wouldn't make a difference._

_"I won't be around for a week, but I'll be back."_

_Under the pressure of his pale and worried eyesight, she replied with an irritated grunt. It's not that they couldn't get along. They were strangers. She, detached from known security, from what was her home, was painfully thrown into a completely strange place, full of strangers._

_"Can you handle it yourself?"_

_There was no concern in his words, just a sound like it was just a duty for him to ask, without actually paying attention to it. Sixteen-year-old Judith took a heavy breath and muttered a soft „yes.”_

_After a few minutes, Robert, apparently tormented by remorse, spoke up again._

_,,how are you?"_

_It pushed her to say a few words too much._

_"You don't have to pretend you care."_

_She said in a cold and dead voice, as to a stranger, that was how she felt about him. And he asks how she's doing. After a month in Gotham, after a month of chilly silence and pain, he asks as if nothing had happened._

_"why do you say I don't care?"_

_He replied as tart and cold as she did, as if he had accepted the challenge of a strict father of the year and wanted to give his all._

_"You never care. You are not the support I need, you never are. "_

_She said softly, afraid her voice would break in mid-sentence. In a way, Her father was home when she woke up, and He came back right after her, but she never really felt like he was there, he never even tried, and she knew she was just an ulcer on his ass. She felt like an intruder, like an unwanted puppy tossed at the door of a big businessman who had no time for him but couldn't get rid of him that easily._

_"god, you are just like your mother! Selfish, egoistic. You think you deserve everything, that, you are the most important here. Exactly like a mother ... "_

_He screamed. Judith remained silent for a moment, then a barely audible whisper escaped her lips._

_"that's why you left her?"_

_Staring at her shoes and feel wet eyes, she tried to understand where she had made the goddamn mistake. His expression suddenly softened, as if he regretted his words because he wasn't ready for another argument. He might be late for work._

_"no, not for that."_

_He whispered back. Her mind surged back to where it all began. When the first time parents' marriage quarrel did not end in a truce, when the screams were louder than usual and the old turntable was not masking them so well. Later it got worse. But the 6-year-old Judith didn't care, when her older sister Julia was always there to support her. She always came to her with a bowl of ice cream or other sweets, and made her laugh until time seemed to speed up, until there was nothing more important. The problem began when one Saturday morning, instead of 18-year-old Julia, there was only a scroll of paper in the room. It was a letter. Judith thinks she will never forget this letter for the rest of her life._

_The neat, pretty handwriting on the tear-stained piece of paper said everything Julia couldn't say straight. What she did not dare to do, just as she did not have the courage to endure it. She just broke like any human could and leave. It was also the first time, little Judith had been left all alone. When there was no one to come to her and comfort her, made her laugh and support her._

_She always saw regret in her mother's eyes. Regret and remorse, but she never talked about it. She only came and lied with a fake, forced smile:_

_,,I know what you're feeling. It will be fine."_

_Maybe Since then trust comes so hard._

_And so the years passed, from morning to afternoon at school, alone. When she returned home, she began to pray for a moment of silence, but then her father was returning from work. Judith then realized how much music had given her. She was only afraid of the breaks between songs, because then everything went quiet, she was afraid of what she would hear, what she did not want. The music gave her peace and solace, a sense of worth that she did not feel, the feeling that everything would still work out._

**_„Someday my pain_ **

**_Someday my pain will Mark you_ **

**_Harness your blame_ **

**_Harness your blame, walk through_ **

**_With the Wild wolves around you_ **

**_In the Morning I call you_ **

**_Send it Farther on”_ **

_The biggest breakthrough in what could hardly be called a family came when the father slapped his mother in the face for the first time. They just argued more than usual, even so much that the music could no longer drown them out. She think Her mother saw her eyes only then because she decided to get a divorce, and nothing was the same._

Today, there is an adult psychologist Judith. Today her dream was to come true.

„What do we know about **him** , doctor?"

She asked, barely hiding her growing excitement. She didn't even want to admit to herself that maybe she Just Can’t do it.

" **Nothing,** Miss Finley."

The answer surprised her. She knew doctors were no longer interested in curing the Joker. They just wanted the information and prove the alleged acts in order to convict him, but she never thought, that after this time they would have absolutely nothing.

"But, how is it **nothing?** "

“He's… maybe not so much silent, he just doesn't say what we want to hear. Maybe he is Australian, that is All we know. "

he laughted at last.

Something twitched in Judith when she heard that. She thought she might have known one once, but the memory quickly faded.

She rolled her eyes, trying to keep the comment from leaving her lips, lest she lose her job sooner than she got her.

"Just, come. I'll take you, you **see** , and we'll talk."

The Doctor, as if mentally saying, "You'll see, you'll find out," waved his hand at the corridor and let Judith go in front of him. Climbing up one of the stairs, up the second and the third floor, the doctor, slightly out of breath and smiling less and less, found themselves in front of the right door. They stopped in front of them, and the doctor sighed and turned to the woman.

“Look, I know you're ambitious. I know you're gifted, I'm only saying this for your safety. If you want to **quit** , you can do it at any time. "

Not quite knowing what the doctor meant, Judith nodded, her brow furrowed.

“I hope your mind is not overshadowed by arrogance and selfishness. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you don't have to do anything for someone else, no one will laugh at you, if you failed. "

The doctor's face was now completely serious. He was a wise man, he was responsible, sincere, and caring, and Judith had to admit that, even if she disagreed with him in many ways.

"Of course, boss."

She replied briefly and with a smile, still feeling the urge to prove herself. She saw Jonathan standing a little further away, smiling warmly at her, showing support. She wondered if it was all really as difficult and complicated as it seemed, or is everyone making such a big deal out of it? **Come on, He is Just a men.**

The guard revealed the iron door and ushered you inside. He was already waiting there.

There was not much light in the room. In fact, if it wasn't for the desk lamp, it would be completely dark. The light was white, which added even more a chemical aftertaste, austerity.

Judith took cautious steps, growing scared with every step, though she subconsciously persuaded herself that it wasn't possible, that it couldn't be true. She had rarely seen him on TV, but knew it was nothing, it was incomparable. Trying to take a stern face, fighting the urge to run. The Joker looked annoyed, bored until the light fell on her face. Even his sly smirk left his face.

Judith was close enough to get a closer look than she would ever see on TV. scars, smile, black eyes, dirty curls… **no. This can not be true**.

It can't be true.

It **can't**.

"uh, Ya **really** keep your wor **d** , _Judy_."

But it **is**.

She froze. She had so many questions, so many thoughts. She took a step back, contemplating ending her session now. She began to tremble, still staring at the scars. Scars that were perfectly shaped to match those, _she once sewn together_.

_It was an unusually cold night, cold and empty, despite the relatively early hour. In winter, things became more difficult. More important. More urgent. She watched the hurrying people fleeing the city's darkness, walking quickly and confidently herself. Escaping the darkness where she no longer felt confident, being a lonely teenager, fearful and introverted, closed to people. She was afraid that she would not be able to make it, that she would never make it through the dark, so all she had to do was run towards the light._

_She had been home alone for two days, just enough to make her feel a lot more lonely than usual. Lonely and defenseless._

_Judith pulled her cloak tighter, catching the rapidly fading heat, and quickened her pace. There was not so much from the stop to the apartment, but the passage through the dark slums, the labyrinth of old, poor tenement houses seemed endless, one in which it is easy to get lost forever, but she already knew the way so well that the passage to the house it was only exhausting._

_When she reached the last block, only a straight road separated her from her apartment, she heard a scream. Her first instinct was to run, but she thought about her cowardice. In fact, she didn't have much to lose. Moving closer, the screams became clearer. However, these were not the screams of the victim, it was the scream of the torturer. She didn't know what the man was shouting in his fury, but it must have been serious. She thought again about her lack of any weapons and about her escape. Scenarios of what a furious, possibly armed man could do with her ran through her mind and how no one would find her here for a long time. But it was too late because it was legsand carried it themselves to the source of the sound. Hiding behind the huge local trash can, she watched the macabre scene in front of her._

_" **FINALLY... you will understand ... to ... do ... what ... I ... tell you ... without ... discussion!** "_

_They were the only words she understood, interrupted by the hit on his chest, head, stomach and all, that made Judith close her eyes. Only then did she see the victim. A Man… no, a **boy** , not shorter but much smaller than the big men, she couldn't see well from that distance._

_The fight raged in her head so fierce that she had to crouch behind the baskets with her hands over her ears and tightly clenched eyes, seeing her parents at their worst times. When she looked again, the big, fat, and disgusting man's fist turned into a spring-loaded knife. She held her breath, wanting so badly to intervene, but her legs prevented movement. She quickly reached into her pocket, suddenly thinking of the emergency number as she remembered leaving her phone at **home**. She cursed silently, thinking about her chances of getting out from behind the baskets and walking around the alley without anyone seeing Her, and running home._

_At one point, she heard a terrifying scream, and when she looked, she saw only the blade of the knife glistening against the boy's mouth. She doesn't know how it happened, but after a while it was over. Everything happened so fast._

_When she opened her eyes again, the blade was hidden in big man’s pocket, and He was walking in the opposite direction and the boy fell to the ground. From this perspective, it looked as if it had been **faced** , at least, as if every possible part of his face had been cut. When Judith finally felt safe and regained control of her legs, she ran to him without thinking much, or having a plan. Anyway, even if she had a plan, it would have been torn out of her, as would all thoughts, once she recognized the boy in front of her._

_"Oh my fucking God, **Jack**."_

_She thought she was used to the blood a long time ago, but she tried to hold back the slight nausea. He, seeing another figure, must have perceived it as a threat, suddenly moving closer to the wall. Judith took a step back, afraid of his reaction. She wanted to help him desperately, wanted to do everything she could to save him, appreciating that at least she could do something, with her mother's death in mind. **But she didn’t even know him.** _

_Now she didn't know what was worse. Not having any influence on someone else's death, not being able to help in any way, save, or just have such a chance, but screw it up completely with your clumsiness._

_Jack, barely conscious, looked at her with dark eyes, wet with tears, for that was all he could do now. He felt weak, he felt the Vittim, he was then. Weak and vulnerable._

_Judith took a slow step, reaching out her hand with peace to him, feeling like she was dealing with a wounded animal, defenseless and at her mercy. She had to be careful not to scare him, she had to gradually gain his trust. She didn't know what he had been through, but in an instant, all her problems had become a trifle._

_She looked briefly into his eyes, in such light they seemed completely black. She could see fear in them, glowing fervently, keeping him to senses._

_-Do not move anywhere, I'm going to get the phone, I'll call for help._

_She straightened and turned towards her building, but as she was about to take a step, she heard an uneasy grunt from him, a little like "no," but the nasty wound prevented him from saying the normal word._

_She looked into his eyes, which were now completely serious. He looked exhausted and desperate at the same time._

_"They will help you ..."_

_She whispered, but he shook his head at „no”. For a moment she thought that he just didn't trust anyone. And then she thought, when she called an ambulance, the police would be not far from there. She had no idea why, but she understood that Jack had something on his conscience and preferred not to go near the police. She was overcome with fleeting anger, because for her personally, someone's health and life were more important than legal consequences, but she did not want to argue. Rolling her eyes, she vigorously approached him despite how far he was pulling away and took his arm as best she could, bending under the weight of a much taller boy. She felt himself trembling with the effort and only hoped that he would not lose consciousness in her arms, because then the chance of bringing him into the apartment would drastically decrease to zero._

_She felt, that Jack had stopped fighting her and was trying to help her by standing on his own feet. She could sniff the sharp smell of blood and dirt, **feel** his blood staining her T-shirt. She wondered how serious the wound was and whether she could even repair it, but she never regretted choosing to help. She knew that whatever happened, whatever a person was to blame, whatever the problem touched him, she would always be ready to help him._

_"Not far away"_

_She whispered seeing her block in front of them. She was exhausted because despite Jack's help, his weight was overwhelming her. For a moment she felt like this responsible friend, transporting her completely drunk friend to a taxi, but found it not a good time to joke. Actually, she wished it were so, she wished she knew what to do, she wanted to help. She heard Jack breathing harder and harder, clinging to her shoulders as her only hope._

_If she thought the way from the alley to her block was difficult, she did not think what would happen to the stairs. She wanted to cry with joy that she only lived on the second floor. Even so, crossing the stairs without attracting the attention of neighbors was perhaps the hardest thing she has done in recent years. She felt an adrenaline rush, simultaneously resisting the urge to fall and stay on the ground, waiting until it was easy again. She always dreamed of something like this. To be able to just take a break, a moment of rest and safety. But life was not a game where when you can just stop, you can rest and try another day, and if you die, you will be reborn again. Judith had long stopped believing in all of this. She stood on firm ground knowing she only had one life._

_If she had more strength, she would probably have started jumping for joy and screaming when she stood outside the door of her apartment. It's good that her father went away for a few days, because he would probably have had a heart attack at the sight._

_She let go of Jack, who leaned against the wall, breathing hard and fast, staring at Judith trying to find the key in her pockets. After a few curses and frustrated sounds, she pulled out the key and opened the door. She helped him inside by closing the door and turning on the light and taking off her backpack and coat at a dizzying pace. She led him to the couch in the living room and turned on the light. It was only then that she realized what she had gotten herself into, all that the street light did not want to show her._

_The light curls she remembered were now dirty and tangled. His eyes, in which she had once seen a hint of pure gold, were now bathed in complete blackness, sad and frightened, lined and bruised. Blood was dripping from his nose. He was wearing the same black sweatshirt he had worn last time, which would definitely have been too cold for Judith in this weather. When his thin, hunched form finally straightened and the light reached his mouth, Judith was temporarily running out of oxygen in her lungs._

_A long and jagged wound stretched from his lips to his cheekbones. She could see the jagged edges from a dull knife. Blood poured from its entire length, dripping and dripping. The wound was so deep, it probably broke through to the other side. His mouth was parted, apparently unable to close them completel., he could feel the taste of blood, permeating his every sense, and it was flowing mixed with saliva and dripped from him. The whole thing was a macabre red smile, wide and big._

_In an instant, it was Judith who felt weak, instinctively reaching for the phone to call an ambulance, having no idea what else to do. However, despite his condition, Jack was faster, grabbing her phone from her hand and shaking his head angrily. Their little fight ended when Jack threw the phone to the ground. Judith then realized how serious his problem really was with the law, which she didn't want to think about now. Hoping her phone had survived the fall, in an act of desperation, intense thinking and panic, she remembered what she had taken from her home in Montana._

_She ran quickly into the room, and when she returned she carefully laid out the full village nurse kit Her mother had left her and put on the table. When something bad happened in a remote area of the countryside, no one drove hundreds of kilometers to the nearest hospital. It was her house that served this function for a long time, and this box was basically all that was needed. Judith always watched her mother closely at work and studied diligently, and when she was older she took care of minor injuries herself._

_Despite the fact that most of the drugs were past their expiry date and many items were simply missing, the extensive first aid kit gave Judith a local anesthetic ointment that, surprisingly, was not yet expired, sterile dressings, wound suture kit, and saline to clean the wound, nothing else she did not find it useful. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jack watching her closely, not losing his attention. She knew when the adrenaline ran out, the pain in a place like this would be excruciating, so she had to hurry._

_After all, she knew exactly what to do. She was impressed with how her instinct and years of forgotten home study and practice were guiding her perfectly._

_"I need you conscious, okay? It will hurt. "_

_She received a nod from him and went to work._

_With a sterile dressing, she tried to stop the bleeding, and Jack wasn't an easy patient at all. He kept moving away with uncertainty, and the contact between them was incredibly awkward and difficult. When Judith was pleased with the effect, she took toand the cleansing of the wound. She took some of the liquid on a swab and slowly touched the jagged wound, making him hiss and flinch. She gave him a moment to get used to, then finished cleansing and used this anesthetic ointment, sincerely doubting its properties in such a wound._

_They took a comfortable position, with Jack on the end of the couch and Judith in the chair between his legs, and for the first time she felt real embarrassment that she hadn't wanted to allow before. Dark eyes staring straight at her didn't help. After the needle was cleaned and ready, Judith began to sew right cheek in the old way, the only one she remembered from when her mother had taught her to sew wounds when she was still too young to even suppose it would be useful to her._ _slowly but surely she brought together delicate, thin tendons and broken skin._

_Jack frowned, squeezed, his eyes shut, but never flinched or moved away, respecting her work, being patient and calm finalny at this point. She didn't think the ointment would do much, and her heart was breaking at the thought that Jack was used to pain._

_She did the same to his left cheek, cleaned the wound again and applied a dressing, sighing heavily as she removed her gloves and was relieved to see the work finished. She knew such a wound would leave jagged scars, knew her job was not perfect, but she was so glad Jack was still alive, not freezing and bleeding to Heath, at this dark and dirty street. She was proud, but even more exhausted from all the stress of the day, all the adrenaline and tension. Now she just didn't know what exactly to do. **Should I call the police? Should I talk to him?** She looked at him, figuring he wouldn't be able to say much now. For a moment she thought He was nowhere to go. Tomorrow was Thursday, so she would have to go to school. She tried frantically to fix the problem, while ignoring the growing awkwardness between them as the problem resolved itself. It is true that she did not expect thanks from him, because she knew that it is difficult for him to talk. She knew that it could be done better, but she tried as best she could and it was the only possible medical help that he could receive from a single classmate and a large first aid kit. She had expected all of this, but certainly not, that ... he would just **leave.**_

_he left without saying a word, without looking, leaving her alone with a mess of blood and dirt, emotions and guilt. Because even though Judith knew that she helped the best she could, that she gave her all, and when she was not getting anything back, she could take it, she might have gotten used to it, but still in the back of her mind she had the thought that maybe she just wasn't good enough . Maybe she failed, and shouldn't have interfered at all, maybe she just isn't needed anymore. She also did not think that she would not see Jack at school not only tomorrow, but even the following Thursday. And she didn't think she would worry so much, thinking about whether he was safe now or not, that she would miss the look of his freckles, dark eyes, sandy curls so much. that she would miss his voice, going home together, even if they Just drive Home the same bus, and nothing more. all that she hadn't even had time to enjoy and fully know when it was taken from her, like everything in her life. She also did not think how much her mental state would deteriorate, how much she would blame herself, how sure she could, that she could do it, and she failed as if she were completely useless. she should have called for help but failed. She should have looked after him, but she failed. She should have stopped the big man when he was beating him almost to his senses and tearing his face to pieces rather than standing still like a coward. She had failed, no matter how hard she tried, she was still too weak, she had failed. As she learned, it was always Her fault._

But the adult version of Judith hardly looked much like the old one, which she had left behind with disgust and embarrassment, a trail of failure and disappointment.

"I **shouldn't** have helped you then."

She received a mocking smile from him that never reached his eyes. he clicked.

"We both know, ah, you **couldn't** leave **me** there, wouldn't ya?"

She shuddered at the sound of his theatrical voice, completely different from what she remembered from the old days. She noticed how much he had changed, how much he was pretending to be wearing a clown mask and not leaving the role.

Judith gathered her mental strength, however, decided to use the small chair on the other side of the table. She regretted it when she realized that there was not much space between one side of the table and the other. The Joker leaned slightly towards her, still smiling **, stupidly**.

" **Well,** show me what you can **do** , psycho-logist."

Something in his shining black eyes, smile and voice told her about the ambiguity of the words, but she decided not to worry now.

"I can tell them everything."

He knew exactly what she meant. All the information the doctors and police needed was at hand, hidden deep in Judith's mind. She knew it, feeling a momentary surge of power and confidence, quickly replaced by fear of ithow the Joker will handle this "problem".

"uh, But you **won't**."

His imperious, dark voice made her shudder. For the first time, she looked him straight in the eyes and didn't look away immediately. She knew he was right. After so many years of study, with so much knowledge, she never thought that there would be a man in the world who would manipulate her words, would lead her, and would never show that he had a weakness, at the same time show All of Her weaknesses. That's why everyone thought that the prince of crime did not have them. It's not true. Everyone has weakness, some just hide them much deeper than others.

She swallowed hard, never taking her eyes off his dark eyes. She couldn't. She felt a rush of heat from his body. She involuntarily leaned over the table towards him. He moved his arms restlessly with handcuffs behind his back. She wasn't sure why, but thought it was fairly weak protection given his capabilities.

"let's find out."

She knew their conversation was pointless. She knew that she would get nothing but embarrassment later, winning the award for the world's least professional psychological interview. But now she didn't care. Now, she only thought about the way his pink tongue slipped out of his mouth to ride across the scarred hills, the way his leg accidentally rubbed against hers, how she felt his warm breath, his scent, and his eyesight on her.

**Enough.**

She moved to the back of the chair in one move, getting another mocking smile. She cleared her throat and decided to go to WORK, finally. **It would be useful in the end**.

She had previously looked at psychological profiles created by other psychologists, but none of them gave what she believed was true. But the man in front of her was not personalny the Jack Napier, she knew. There was a completely different man in front of her, in whom she could no longer see this scared and silent boy from her childhood. A murderer and a criminal sat before her, and any attempt to say otherwise was unsuccessful. She was shocked at how big the change had taken place. If she thought everything she knew about Jack might be useful for the Joker's psychological profile, she was wrong. But in fact, she still believed that man would never be able to dislodge his old incarnation. It will always stay somewhere, somewhere behind, forgotten, but it will still be there.

“What's all this for? What will it bring you, Money?"

She broke the silence with the only question she was able to ask.

"It's not about **Money**. um, it never was **, Judy**."

The sound of the name that had called her long ago, only him, brought her back to his red lips for a moment. She noticed how his face paint faded away more and more over time, displaced by his cream skin.

„So, is it just about proving your point? You just want to prove **who's right**? "

She asked, already knowing the answer.

“I just wanna watch the world **burn** , Judy. Uh, Look, see them **fall**. How they lose. How, they succumb to chaos, how they burn with this city, losing **everything.** "

She had no more questions. For some reason, she believed him. She believed he was speaking honestly. Batman has fallen, chaos has **won.** Evil won, because she knew that wherever good appeared, sooner or later evil would appear. Although as much as everyone tries, it will always be there, and the more good there is, the more everyone will want to stop the evil, the more it will fight and stand up. tear and tear, wanting to get away from rules, rules and authorities. It will only survive as a world without rules. The Joker was just a mentor, he was a wild animal. The more people try to hold him back, the tighter they hold and restrain him, the more they will tug and break away, finally winning, watching them fall, defeated by their own rules that they have always held so tightly. she's never going to make excuses for the Joker's murders, his crimes, and how **bad** he is, but he was just right.

She looked at him one last time, and saw a seriousness instead of her usual smile. Total seriousness, professionalism, the tremendous control he knew he had over her, even if he didn't say it directly. He clearly saw all her reactions, was attentive and meticulous, noticing every breath, every twitch, every gesture, he read her like an open book, despite how hard she tried to prevent it. She was stupid to think she could do it. Thinking that she has the power, that she has control over himself, thinking that he won't read her, that she will shut up from him. All of this could have worked if it weren't for **him**. Anything could work, she might have managed if the Joker wasn't **him**.

She left the room sharply and quickly, gulping down everything she hadn't done or had done wrong, having so many questions she hadn't asked. She used to think she would never see him again. She wanted find him so much, she dreamed about it, but resigned herself to losing him. Now, she would give anything to never find out the truth.

"he said that…"

She started facing the doctor, still shivering, but he cut her off sooner.

"I know, I heard everything."

She blushed even more than she was. Nobody said before that ... you can hear everything ...

„what „everythiing” can you say to me?”

He ask calmly.

„uh, nothing. I was… lying to him.”

She say, actually lying to the boss.

She heard her boss talking about her next session secretly, because _she did well_ , she learned more than anyone else, here she remembered that she hadn't really learned anything that would help them a lot, but her thoughts were already at home. Her mind was everywhere except in this awful building. Tomorrow, she may come here again. she can conduct an hour-long conversation, ask professional questions. But today, today, she just want to fall asleep, no dreams, just go to sleep.

The way home passed quickly and away. Emma asked a lot of questions but it wasn't very important. The water in the shower was cold but that didn't make much difference either. However, why the hell couldn't she be so indifferent to him? Why was her mind still wandering, not letting her sleep? Why was it so important that **Jack was alive**?

She fell asleep, the roar of the melody drowning out her thoughts.

_He said, I'm gonna buy this place and see it go  
Stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow  
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry  
But you just sit down there and you wonder why_

_So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war  
If you can tell me something worth fighting for  
And I'm gonna buy this place, is what I said  
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head  
Oh, to the head, oh_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo sorry for this chapter again, it's not even what i wanted it to be, but importantly it's xd for clarification, if you don't like my oc or my joker totally understand it. I just wanted to say that I'm trying to show how much difference has made Jack from the fearful, quiet and weak boy who doesn't trust anyone and doesn't like contact, to the joker we see later, the same to Judith, from the young, mentally weak, etc. to their adult, better version, although sometimes these old personalities permeate ... there were also a lot of transitions between now and memories, I hope no one got lost:D as always, sorry for mistakes and ask for advice or opinions, anything. (first song: Bon Iver, "Wolfes", second: coldplay, "a rush of blood to the head" and the quote at the beggining, found on the internet)


End file.
